Why most women go back to ghettos for their bad exes

A couple arguing. (Courtesy/iStock)

May be this statement will sound controversial - that we love harmony but hate peace in a relationship. Women define harmony as the ability to be in sync with the partner in all facets to the extent that we feel safe enough to expose our vulnerabilities without the fear of being judged or dumped. When we can snore loudly and pass gas under the blanket after eating boiled eggs in Nyamakima without being frowned at or threatened to watch what we ingest, we feel safe. When we don't have to fake pronunciation of English words to please the man and his friends, we feel accepted. When we can still receive a warm kiss on the forehead while wearing no makeup on sweaty Saturday afternoon, we feel well protected.

But like the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the demands of women have levels, safety and harmony sitting at the very base of the pyramid. Once we are comfortable and confident, the need for some conflict kicks in. You see, there is a huge imbalance between what we ask men to be and what we want men to actually be. Theoretically, we blubber paragraphs about gentleness. We talk about the man being kind, fully supportive, selfless and with zero toxicity of any form yet deep down we crave some form of male toxicity that we are reluctant to voice for fear of being judged. A man who is comfortable in his skin comes with some extent of command that cuts across as toxic but reeks of confidence.