Why most women go back to ghettos for their bad exes

A couple arguing. (Courtesy/iStock)

May be this statement will sound controversial – that we love harmony but hate peace in a relationship. Women define harmony as the ability to be in sync with the partner in all facets to the extent that we feel safe enough to expose our vulnerabilities without the fear of being judged or dumped. When we can snore loudly and pass gas under the blanket after eating boiled eggs in Nyamakima without being frowned at or threatened to watch what we ingest, we feel safe. When we don’t have to fake pronunciation of English words to please the man and his friends, we feel accepted. When we can still receive a warm kiss on the forehead while wearing no makeup on sweaty Saturday afternoon, we feel well protected.

But like the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the demands of women have levels, safety and harmony sitting at the very base of the pyramid. Once we are comfortable and confident, the need for some conflict kicks in. You see, there is a huge imbalance between what we ask men to be and what we want men to actually be. Theoretically, we blubber paragraphs about gentleness. We talk about the man being kind, fully supportive, selfless and with zero toxicity of any form yet deep down we crave some form of male toxicity that we are reluctant to voice for fear of being judged. A man who is comfortable in his skin comes with some extent of command that cuts across as toxic but reeks of confidence.

There is a good reason why it is universally agreeable that good men finish last when it comes to chances with women. Our true fiber as females get repulsed by soft energy from a man. If a man we admire hugs us, we want to feel the indecency in the way they grab our waist and pull us up as if to sweep us off balance. Well, do not believe the theories we sell all over the media and in gender based functions to seek political correctness and support the missions and visions of the NGO’s that pay us. In those spaces, we are pretentious and purely academic because there is the SDG’s we have to speak to as scholars of repute. It is like sitting an examination – you must be seen to be correct and in sync with the Agenda 2021 so that the organization can continue receiving funding from the big boys.

Dominant male

But once we close the laptops, we want a man who can tell us no to mean no. We crave a dominant male presence who can call us out when we are wrong at work and come home lamenting about the boss. Diplomacy has a limit gentleman! There are levels when authority has to kick in and one of us has to be male and the other female. There is an innate configuration in our inner being that crave to submit to a power that dominates us genuinely without threatening our safety. Problem is that men have been pushed back so much that they do not have any confidence left to lead us with the kind of authority that can make us believe in them. Even on a cozy evening when a woman has served wine after dinner and is flushing the best of her smiles while pretending to watch a comedy movie, most men still meekly ask if they could be allowed to touch the woman indecently.

The other truth is that beyond the academic ranting where we castigate men in public forum demanding to be looked at in eyes and not chest or anywhere else, we intend that you forget all that nonsense and confidently grab our posteriors when we get home with utter disregard to our corporate positions and titles. I mean, all men must have come across those memes of girls asking to be strangled and spanked hard and harder. Those things are real and they lose taste when a weak man asks for permission to hold our neck. It loses the kick of dominance and security when these Jonathans cannot interpret simple body languages to know when to take over and be in charge. How does a man seek consent to hold a woman’s shoulder when her body language is begging for all manner of safe assault that she has been imagining the whole week while ovulating endlessly?

This is why most women marry good boys and troop back to the ghettos to look for exes who knew how to bring out the animal in them by being dominant jerks. I am not surprised that those men wearing rugged jeans and spotting dirty dread locks still get a lot of horizontal opportunities with decent corporate women married to high flying achievers who have no back bone to pin them down with the requisite ruthlessness that would make them disown their own fathers.

In short, men must bring out the male energy. They have to endavor to exude that mean, stoic energy that make our tails wiggle with want. It is what the bad exes offer us out there that make us keep blocking them and unblocking them every ovulation cycle. Let me offer a hint here; when a man has paid school fee for the kids, bought enough food and has no mpango wa kando yet the woman is still bickering, she could be trying her best to provoke the maleness of the man to come out and shut her up and take her over. If that last resort fails, the daughter of Jezebel will shut up and go outsourcing what is lacking at home.