Why discomfort is no excuse to leave a relationship

A couple arguing. (Courtesy/iStock)

I have come across “educated” people giving advice to their “friends” that “if you are not comfortable in that marriage, just leave and look for comfort elsewhere.”

What these so-called educated and sophisticated people often fail to tell their friends is that sometimes they could be the cause of the lack of comfort in the relationships.

And if they move on to the next relationship before they identify and deal effectively with the cause of the lack of comfort that they inflict on their partners, their situation will never change for the better at all. They will simply be rolling stones that gather no mosses. In other words, they will keep moving from one partner to the other.

Research has shown that those who are quick to abandon their partners on the now famous ground of “lack of comfort” are often the cause of that situation. And after walking out on their partners, who do they meet out there? Their exact replicas who have left their own partners because of the very same reason that they were not comfortable in the previous relationship(s).

So, when the two meet, their sensitivities are often at the highest possible levels. Any slight misunderstanding, even one that can easily be resolved through candid talk, reminds them of their past.

The partner begins to actively sieve whatever information they can share so as to not create a situation of lack of comfort. You know that a person cannot pretend forever. Let me share an interesting experience during my college days. We used to have three categories of girls.

Category 1: We Girls. These were the serious, hardworking girls who had attended rural high schools. Their dress code showed it all. But make no mistake. The “We Girls” were very brilliant and never entertained casual relationships on campus; they simply wanted to go through their courses, get jobs and settle down as professionals and family women.

Category 2: Us Chiles. These were the daughters of the lower middle class who lived in urban areas. This category was the noisiest, party animals on campus, with multiple casual relationships.

Category 3: Them Babes. These were daughters of the upper middle class and rich families, who attended private schools. They were the softies who spoke at least one more foreign language in addition to English. This group was very realistic, and therefore, easy to deal with.

Now, my point. There was this girl who was my classmate in Economics. Her dad was a middle-level civil servant. Typically, that was in the “Us Chiles” category. But she created a huge aura of importance around herself that you would think she was the daughter of Lord Delamere. So, for two academic years, she never uttered a single word in Dholuo although, from her name, it was clear she was of Luo extraction. Her Waterloo came one afternoon in class.

The Lecturer of Mathematics for Economics decided to administer a quiz in class, and announced that it was part of the coursework. The Lecturer started marking our work in class as we continued with the rest of the quiz. The lady who had never uttered a single Dholuo word was seated next to me. She was aware that I had taken Mathematics as one of my principal subjects at “A” level.

She did not have that advantage. As the lecturer approached with his red pen, she started getting agitated. She could not afford to miss the 10 marks out of a total of 30 of coursework. So, she whispered to me in English to assist her crack the quiz.

It was my day to serve her cold revenge. She used all the beautiful English words, but I could not budge. Seeing that her efforts in English were not bearing any fruit, the girl had no choice but to become herself. “Ongore, asayi konya, kik iwe arem penj to intie ka owadwa” (Ongore, please help me; do not let me fail, and you are here, my brother) was her statement that made us click to date.

The point I was deriving at is that life is very artificial when partners are not free enough to genuinely share their views on pertinent issues. Human beings cannot pretend forever. It is like our classmates who went into the Christian Union Club to get “saved” girlfriends. Unknown to them, some of those girls were also there for the same reason.

So, the pretenders found themselves pairing up as “holy” friends. Over time, their real selves started to emerge, with each partner feeling cheated. Those relationships never lasted more than a year.

Partners who move on at the feeling of the slightest discomfort are people who are either living a lie or are running away from their own shadows. Such people hardly ever settle down in a marriage. In any case, excessive comfort is anathema to effort towards self improvement. Even the mere fact of self-deprivation to save for the future creates discomfort.

Let people not me cheated that relationships are beds of roses where there is no discomfort. Undoubtedly, people have different characters, are brought in totally different environments, and may have completely polar worldviews. That must not mean that they are not compatible for the purposes of marriage. In this regard, it is my humble view that what matters is a genuine effort to understand each other, to be honest, and ensure totally open lines of communication.

There is also the issue of cultural differences between Africans and the Caucasians. When Africans go through Western-type education, they often mistake that for thorough appreciation of Western culture. Americans and Europeans have a very clear distinction between discomfort and being uncomfortable.

So, when they say they’re uncomfortable, it means there is some eerie feeling about a situation. Discomfort, on the other hand, is a physical state of pain. Caucasians leave a relationship when they are uncomfortable about something, but not because there is some discomfort. The latter can be handled in a medical facility. Africans leave when their lack of comfort is more “dis” than “un.” So, Africans walk out of relationships because of matters that have nothing to do with their partners. I wish you every possible comfort in your relationships. Thank you.

Copyright ©️ Vincent Ongore 2024