Ten types of exes you will find in Kenya

Woman stalking her ex. (Courtesy/iStock)

Breakups happen every day. People who were once in love can no longer see eye-to-eye. Woe unto you if your ex is weird as they will make sure you have no peace for the rest of your life. Others will wait for you to move on and then they dump your kids at your doorstep. Here are ten types of exes you will encounter in Kenya.

1. Drama queen

She will create a lot of drama after the breakup, including making an impromptu visit to her ex’s workplace or home to report the problems between them. The next day, she will be at the police station reporting her former lover and demanding that he be arrested with immediate effect.

2. The stalker

They will be following their former partner’s movements on social media and even in real life to know how they are doing without them. The stalker can go as far as hiring a private detective to trail their former lover and report in case they are dating someone else. He or she strongly believes without them, their ex is going nowhere. They expect that their former lover will be miserable. If it is a woman, she will be bragging to her friends; “Unaona sasa  tabia zake zimefanya ameshindwa kupata bibi.”

3. The psycho/sumbua

He knows you already moved on and got married to another man. However, he will try to lure you back, claiming he is mentally disturbed and that he can’t live without you. He will even refuse to move on and get himself another wife since he believes you are his choice of wife. No matter how you try to convince him that you are no longer interested in him, he will hear none of it.

4. No time waster

Just one week after the breakup, she is already married to another man. Her mantra is that if it fails to work, oga na urudi soko chap chap. For her, life is too short to waste it on someone. To her, one should use their time optimally. She is not even bothered by questions from her critics on how she got another man so fast. Give her the shortest time and she could have forgotten that the relationship happened.

5. The good friend’s with ex

Despite a bitter breakup, he will eventually cool down and find ways of befriending the ex. He will be the one to call often and assure her that hata kama tulikosana, acha tuwe marafiki tu. He will act like a good man, better than what he was before. He can go to the extent of sending her some tokens with no strings attached.

6. The hater

Unlike the one who wants to remain friends, this one will continue to hate her ex. Her reasons are that she wasted so much of her time with her former lover, who she accuses of using her. She will explain how she loved him so much. She will even disparage him using pseudonyms whenever he makes posts on his social media accounts and can even look for ways to get back at him following the breakup. She cannot even greet him if she meets him on the road.

7. The desperate

She does not believe the breakup ever happened and instead considers this as a bad dream. As such, she will be praying and waiting for “her man” as long as it takes to get him back. For her, the love she had for her man was eternal and she is not ready to move on to another relationship.

8. The vengeful

After the breakup, his next step is to go to a mganga or mwombaji to ensure her life is in pieces and to stop her from having any peace in her life. He can even hire goons to harm her or do something terrible to her like shaming her in public. He aims to make sure that her life ends up miserable.

9. The clean break ex

She has no problem with the ex nor does she have any hatred in her heart. She moves on as if nothing happened and if he happens to give her a call, she will gladly pick it up. She will also greet the person in question whenever she meets him on the way. She believes the relationship was not meant to be and she will gladly move to another one when the opportunity presents itself.

10. The forgetful

As soon as the relationship ends, he will forget about the girl completely including her name. He has so many of them anyway and so he may not remember all of them. If the ex happens to call him for a possible patanisho on a radio show, you will hear him asking Caro mgani?