The one who got away: Navigating regret, longing, and the soulmate myth

The one who got away: Navigating regret, longing, and the soulmate myth (Photo: iStock)

In the song Do You, Ne-Yo expresses how he couldn’t bear it when his former lover walked away. In this classic ballad, he poetically articulates the deep pain of lost love, wearing his heart on his sleeve. In a heartfelt letter, he confesses that even though she has moved on, he yearns for one final conversation to learn whether she ever thinks of him.

The sorrow and regret of a love that slipped away is a common, yet often under-discussed, part of our human experience. Many of us fondly recall the good times we once shared, lament the choices that ended the relationship, and cling to lingering feelings, secretly hoping for a chance to win that love back. Sometimes, our love slips away due to mistakes, unfortunate timing, or simply insurmountable circumstances.

Other times, it's a relationship that nearly blossomed but never fully materialized, yet the sense of loss remains just as profound. Some, like musicians Ashanti and Nelly, eventually find their way back to each other and enjoy a happily-ever-after. Conversely, there are those relationships that have no hope of rekindling because one partner’s feelings have faded or they've simply moved on.

Ultimately, these stories remind us that love is complex and multifaceted, filled with moments of beauty, pain, and everything in between.

Sociologist Dr. Kiemo Karatu explains a term in psychology, counterfactual thinking, which is in effect whenever a person feels nostalgic about an old flame.

“It means that the person doesn’t know what would have happened to the relationship if they had pursued it or if it never ended. Even as they regret, they don’t know if it would have worked out or not. So you think about possible events that have never happened,” he shares.

It shows that a person can hold romantic imaginations and idealisations, which can be a reality or completely far from it if they choose to be together. Also, the consideration that people can change due to life experiences raises the question of whether their former lover now has different interests, goals, and values.

Dr. Kiemo divulges that it is possible to look back and ponder about the factors that ended the relationship, with a likelihood of a deeper sense of regret if the person took the other for granted or caused the breakup.

He further admits that although human relationships are complicated since they involve emotions, he asks if there is only one soulmate for every person.

“If there is only one soulmate and a person doesn’t find them or they find them and then lose them, then what? Does that mean they will never be with any other person ever (again)? If they don’t get who they love, do they then have to love who they get?” He wonders.

If a person hopes to rebuild a relationship with their one who got away, Dr. Kiemo advises them to take the risk and start a new chapter and take things slowly.

“They can choose to reconnect, but it depends on the other person. Even if he or she has not moved to another relationship, they may not be ready for one with them,” he says.

Dr. Kiemo says it is a cause for alarm if a person remains stuck in the past and chooses not to explore new relationships because of it.

“There are those who stop living their lives because of specific relationships, and that is not healthy,” he explains.

Some clear signs that someone was the one who got away include those persistent “what if?” thoughts, a constant feeling of longing and nostalgia, comparing every new connection to them, and always keeping tabs on what’s happening in their life.

The idea of a soulmate or “the one” has fascinated us for ages. Some believe there is only one soulmate in the world, while others argue that any relationship can be fulfilling if there’s compatibility, shared values, and genuine love. Then, some feel that even if their soulmate slipped away, happiness can still be found with someone else.

Often, we tend to remember only the best moments with our soulmate, which only intensifies the sense of loss. It’s important to note that even soulmate relationships aren’t without challenges; they just seem to have a knack for overcoming them together. Some people choose to believe that what’s meant to be will be, so they don’t dwell on lost love, while others remain convinced that their true soulmate got away. In the end, it all comes down to personal feelings, experiences, and how each individual interprets their own love story.