Christmas is a special time for families. Not only is it a time to share with relatives and friends, but it is also a time to share and bond with children.
However, family experts say that sharing and bonding with children during the festivities can be challenging, as children can find it difficult to cope with all the anticipation and excitement that comes with the festivities.
Big emotions can lead to big meltdowns, and in their desperation for everything to go according to script, parents often feel cautious, especially when it comes to disciplining children, lest it disrupts and ruins the spirit of the ‘season of joy’, says Lisa Wanjiro, a family counsellor and coach.
She says that for many families, the festivities tend to lead to overindulgence and disruption of normal routines, which can create a hostile environment for parents and children, rather than a “season of joy”.
This is a familiar scenario for Agnes and Lucas Matheka. The events of the last three Christmas seasons have left them frightened, and “we no longer look forward to the festivities because they remind us that we could fall out with our young adults,” says Agnes.
Matheka, a father of three – two boys (fifteen and 21 years old) and a daughter (18 years old) thinks that they are adults who should be left to manage their lives including how they want to spend their Christmas.
The past two Christmas were a disruption and what started with a mild disagreement on how Joan and Abel (the young adults) wanted to speed up their Christmas by going camping with their friends and family at the expense of our trip upcountry for a family get-together,” says Matheka.
He says his eldest son and his sister literary defied their concerns and left without their blessings. Since then, he says their normal family life was disrupted with the two repeating the same over Easter and Christmas holidays. The couple says the two have shown signs of defiance, planning to spend their coming festivities with ‘strangers’ once again.
Though their youngest son is different and does not side with his siblings’ behaviour, the parents fear that it is a matter of time before he too could join them in their defiant. They are hoping to convince their children to attend counselling sessions that they hope will bring sense to their behaviour.
“While the season of cheer, and the spirit of positivity that comes along with it bringing joy and celebrations among families, for is it is a season of sadness as we had to navigate the past two seasons without Joan and Abel,” says the mother.
According to Counsellor Wanjiro, children are not going to mutate into angels just because of Christmas festivities.
“Learn to keep off the practice of wishing to present a neat, well-behaved, and best version of their children to their wider family as this is not fair at all as it sets them (and parents) up to fail.
The family coach says young children thrive on routine, and the excitement of Christmas and the planning that comes along with it can be overwhelming for children who might not be able to manage big emotions.
She urges parents to set realistic expectations pegged on the reasoning that “special” does not equal “perfect”.
Tips for a happier Christmas
Christmas can be exhausting, so factor in some downtime and try to carve out some downtime for family, either together or individually, to recharge your festive batteries – whatever helps you unwind for the next activity.
If you have young adults, allow them to speak their minds and give them the benefit of the doubt. Build trust and convince yourself that they will be in charge of their lives – a path you must have taken during your “young adult” time
If you have children the age of Matheka’s son and below, right at the beginning of the festivities delegate tasks to everyone so that everyone is aware of the roles they have to play at the onset.
Listen attentively to what the older children – the young adults want to spend their festivities, says Wanjiro, adding that parents should be aware that the art of listening is elusive and can cause misunderstandings between the children and parents, especially the young adults who have somehow “tasted” freedom – doing their deed without your (parents) interruptions.
Urge the children to understand that the holiday time is a period of reflection on the past year and their (children’s) intention and on the bigger picture, that of the family.
When the young adults in your family insist on spending their holidays outside of the family’s family, urge them to convince you of their point of preferring spending holidays out of the family circle. You might be surprised that they could have a point. If so, take a nonpartisan position of offer to guide them if they so wish.
Positive tips to help you navigate sticky bits.
Remember to relax
Christmas is about spending time with family. It is hard to spend quality time with your children when you are in the kitchen peeling endless potatoes. If the trimmings are overtaking Christmas, it’s time to rebalance and prioritise presence, not the presents. Spend as much time as possible doing activities that engage the entire family. This will help the family to relax, de-stress, and bond.
Manage the wider family
Often the hardest thing about Christmas is managing the adults. Grandparents who give your two-year-old chocolate for breakfast. Aunts who fuss when you tell your child off or feel watched while your little one throws a tantrum.
If you have set any rules, make these clear to everyone. Try to be on the same page as parents (for couples). You will have had different Christmas traditions as children and probably have different approaches to the festivities. Talk through what matters to you as a family and resolve any differences using problem-solving.
Conclusively, remember that just like families, Christmas is never ideal. However, with a good dose of realism, laughter, and planning, it will have moments to make it special for the entire family.
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