The 'no' that could break a child's will

Scolding a child. (Courtesy)

‘NO’ is one of the most used words in households. However, many parents do not know its impact on children—specifically, children under ten—and how important it is to stop saying ‘NO’ too often. 

Family counsellor and psychologist, Lisa Wanjiro, says that hearing “no” can make a child frustrated.

Some children, she explains, explode in protest, while others become generally discouraged.

She explains that young children are exploring and trying to do everything themselves, and saying no all the time can discourage them from wanting to try new things or learn more about the world around them. She says this often leads the children to become defiant, uncooperative, and hard-headed when they are constantly told “no”. 

Here are eight things that can happen when parents overuse the word “no” with their children. 

It can stifle creativity

Laurence Mwaniki says when his son was five years old, he showed signs of great creativity and would be “at his game” for hours “talking” to his toys, an act that seemed to inspire his creativity. “However, just when I had got excited about his artistic talent, I noticed signs of withdrawal,” says Mwaniki about his now eight-year-old son.

Later, he says, they noticed their five-year-old daughter was developing the same symptoms of withdrawal. It was time to seek professional intervention. 

He and his wife Melisa had to seek professional advice from a counsellor, where the couple learnt that their children’s status quo was due to their frequent use of the word “no”.  “From our counselling sessions I learnt that when children are told ‘no’ often, they may stop exploring new ideas or engaging in creative activities,” says Melisa.

Wanjiro says that when children constantly get a ‘no’ to their requests, it  can cause them to doubt their abilities and reduce their willingness to try new things.  “Over time, this may limit their independence and make them overly reliant on parental approval,” says the expert.  Constant rejection, says, the expert, may instill a fear of making mistakes in children. Children might become overly cautious, avoiding challenges or opportunities where they risk failure which can limit their personal growth. 

According to the family psychologist, too many restrictions can also lead to feelings of frustration that may cause children to be rebellious.  “A child may start throwing tantrums (for the young ones) or manifest a rebellious attitude, and may start disobeying rules or pushing boundaries as a way of asserting their freedom,” she says. 

“This can lead to increased defiance as they no longer see ‘no’ as an important boundary,” she says.

A child may develop feelings of resentment towards their parents. She adds over time, this can create emotional distance and tension in the parent-child relationship. 

The expert says saying ‘no’ to a child too often prevents children from making mistakes, which are essential learning experiences. 

“Allowing them to make decisions, even if they fail, helps them learn problem-solving and decision-making skills,” says Wanjiro.