10 hilarious truths about women drivers in Kenya

Woman making a phone call after having a car crash. (Courtesy/iStock)

Women make for bad drivers. They are ignorant about matters motoring. A woman could have started driving a car when Moi was president, but will still be clueless about simple things like the location of the hazard lights or the back windshield wiper. Most also lack manners and common courtesy on the road. For instance, a woman will rarely issue out a thank you wave of hand after giving her way as she sweats her armpits and inner thighs out during bumper-to-bumper traffic. Here are 10 hilarious things about women drivers in Kenya:

1. Babe, ni accident

Grazing a woman’s car by accident will see her step out, her stilettos held ready for ‘war,’ and upon checking the slight damage which Oketch the mechanic can fix without a fuss, she will pick her phone and shout: “Babes, this dude has hit my car!” She’ll then demand your insurance, PIN, ID, DL, Passport, WhatsApp profile picture, in-between photographing the car in all angles as traffic builds up a kilometre behind, hooting! A tiny bend on the boot will see her mouth, “I need another car from DT Dobie!” Never mind DT Dobie doesn’t stock her make of jalopy!

2. Spare me a wheel

 Some women don’t know where the spare wheel in their car is kept. They will open the boot and find it clean, and loudly start moaning, not knowing the spare wheel is bolted on the depression under the boot’s mats, or screwed under the car. One woman, driving a Rav 4, could not find her spare wheel, which was firmly fixed on the back door.  

3. No petrol? Weka diesel!

 One woman borrowed her husband’s petrol-propelled S-Class Mercedes, but there was no petrol at the gas station. She called the hubby asking, “Sweetheart, imagine there is no petrol here, niweke diesel?”

4. Unauza pressure?

Most women drivers rarely know the amount of tyre pressure for their cars. So, when they’re asked by the petrol station attendant, “Niweke ngapi?’ in reference to whether it’s 35 or 40, she responds: “Kuna ya pesa ngapi?”

5. Burning breast milk  

Women drivers are not immune to being arrested by traffic cops due to their numerous shenanigans on the roads. So, after overlapping, a woman tells a cop who’s demanding her licence: “Afande, nachomwa na maziwa wacha nikanyonyeshe!”  

6. No through road

 Many women drivers rarely give way; only staring ahead like you’re a product they have been told to boycott even after indicating intention to gas to their lane.

7. Running on empty

A woman driver will gas for hours without checking the fuel gauge, only for her to call Oti the mechanic with lamentations that, “Gari imeharibika” after it sputters to a stop near the Makaburi on Wangari Maathai Road. Oti pants in after two hours only to find the moti is bila mafuta!  

8. Wiper ziko wapi?

Some women have no idea how the rear wiper, fog lights, hazards and indicators are activated. Others don’t know their cars have that bonnet prop to hold it after it’s, opened let alone know the difference between brake fluid, transmission fluid or coolant.

9. Flat tyre

Besides driving with the handbrake on and not knowing it’s the reason for the irritating screeching sound, most women drivers are totally lost when they suffer a tyre puncture. Stepping and jumping on the wheel spanner to unscrew the bolts is something they observe from their tinted windows like it’s a kindergarten skit for bottom drawers!

10. Nimegonga mtu wa nduthi

Recall that joke that went viral about the woman calling her hubby with an impassioned plea to come to her rescue as she had knocked down a boda boda driver, a traffic policeman? It was not a farfetched joke...ask the traffic cops!