Can you be friends with your children and still guide them?

Can you be friends with your children and still guide them? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

My kids are still young and I’m enjoying every minute of it. But my mum says I should be more of a disciplinarian!

Why can’t I just be friends with my children?

Unsure Parent

Chris says, 

Hi Unsure Parent!

Parents and children may have more in common these days, watching the same TV shows, listening to the same music and spending endless time online.

But being their ‘friend’ means it’s hard for you to insist on good behaviour. You need to set limits and rules, teach them to be polite and get them to help around the house. Because if your children are to become independent, confident and capable adults, they also need to learn discipline and good social skills.

Sometimes you will have to lean on them pretty hard and be a spoilsport. Otherwise, they’ll always take the easy option. Like going online instead of doing their homework.

And asking them nicely probably won’t stop them fighting, or get them to tidy up their room, or turn off the computer.

So you have to use your authority because you know how life works and they don’t. Children generally don’t understand why you want them to do the right thing, so you have to insist. With firm and consistent discipline. With clear and predictable boundaries and rules.

Children do much better when their parents lovingly enforce age-appropriate limits on their behaviour.

You should also be a good example. You need to show your children good values such as trustworthiness, honesty and kindness. Show them that you control your impulses, work hard, and are resilient and persistent.

Show them that you value education by taking an interest in their schoolwork. Be flexible but firm, setting clear expectations for your children’s behaviour and enforcing them. Be warm and affectionate, but maintain your authority and control. Do all this and your children will be a joy! Well-behaved, well-adjusted and socially skilled. Resilient, achievement-oriented, mature and responsible.

Because your job is to prepare your children for life. Not to be their friend.

All the best,

Chris