DJ chronicles: Ten types of village deck masters you'll meet this holiday season

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As the holiday season rolls in, people are flocking back to their villages, and countryside DJs are having their moment in the spotlight. Unlike their urban counterparts, village DJs are a fascinating mix, ranging from complete amateurs to passionate professionals.

This season, wherever you party in the village, one of these DJs is sure to set the tone—whether it’s an unforgettable entertainment or pure comedy.

The total quacks

Their concept of DJing is playing music directly from their phone. They might carry a laptop for show, but in reality, it’s just a prop to create the illusion of professionalism. Be ready for interruptions though—your party might come to a sudden halt when a phone call comes through.

The food enthusiasts

These DJs prioritise food over the music. The moment food is served, they’ll abandon their decks to queue up, unwilling to trust anyone to deliver their share. After all, what if it’s finished before they get their plate?

The show-offs

They’ll arrive donning the flashiest outfits, fake silver chains, oversized sunglasses, or funny dreadlocks. Their body language screams, “I’ve made it!” as they strut through the crowd. The reality? They’re just regular hustlers trying to make ends meet.

The nickname kings

These DJs boast names you’ve never heard before: DJ Thunderstorm, DJ Triumph, DJ Corona—names so outrageous they send chills down your spine. The creativity isn’t random; it’s a branding strategy to stand out.

Team mafisi

These DJs are more interested in flirting than working. The moment they spot an attractive lady, they’ll leave the equipment in the hands of an amateur and make their move, whether or not she’s married. Don’t be surprised if rumours circulate about the DJ running off with someone’s wife after the event.

The blackmailers

These DJs will sabotage your party just to get more money. He will play songs that interest him and not those that the fans or hosts want. If you want him to play your favourite music, then you have to tip him or beg him to do so. They will play funeral songs on a wedding and vice versa until you “tip” them to switch it up. Refuse, and they might threaten to pack up and leave, demanding their “energiser” fee.

The uncouth

With a disregard for the audience, these DJs will shamelessly play adult-rated songs at family-friendly events. Their attire is equally questionable: shorts, slippers, and a bare chest at a family reunion. Arriving late with unkempt hair? That’s just part of the package.

The clean, neat, and principled

These DJs are the gems of the village circuit. They arrive neat, professional, and focused, delivering an excellent performance from start to finish. If you find one, consider your event blessed.

The sophisticated pros

These DJs bring urban finesse to the countryside. They use state-of-the-art equipment, from spinning decks to high-end laptops, and they’re likely certified graduates of DJ academies. Their professionalism earns them deep respect in the village.

The confused ones

Switching to a requested song? That could take 30 minutes as they fumble through their devices. These DJs also tinker incessantly with their equipment, interrupting the music with errors, such as hitting the wrong button or unplugging the cables.