Election anxiety was so high men were failing to perform in the bedroom

There have been strong rumours that nothing has happened in Kenyan bedrooms in the last week, thanks to Wafula Chebukati. While the nature of their job has kept IEBC employees away from such activities, Chebukati has gone to great lengths to ensure we join them in this game of abstinence.

Apparently, the human brain is wired in such a way that a man cannot stand anxiety while also standing in other areas. Statisticians would call this a negative correlation, but women like me are more interested in why such correlations do not appear when the man is poor.

It's a well-known fact that good thrashing comes from jobless men who live in dingy bedsitters where the dirty utensils from last night's dinner are never far from your feet even when you're doing other things.

Indeed, one bad move can get you stuck inside a sufuria of leftover meals. Their lack of decent wages has never hampered their performance, but a minor standoff between the two main presidential candidates and all men suddenly declare themselves nil by mouth.

While we women were passionate about the elections, we were well aware of our responsibility to provide men with their conjugal rights. We were willing to go above and beyond this week, even providing conjugal perks and other benefits, but the men were too preoccupied with politics to deliver.

The uncertainty of who would be the next president prevented them from maintaining a level of turgidity that would have encouraged any riding. We were headache-free and ready for the first time in our lives, but the men let us down. In nine months, we will have this one- or two-week period where no hospital will report child births unless they are premature babies or children born of excited teenagers who used the Magoha school break to conduct practical biology lessons.

With the election over, we are hopeful that the following week will be more active, with fewer excuses from men, regardless of whether their candidates won or lost the election. Unless there is an impromptu trip to the moon or the cat is watching, we will play our part submissively.

While we were thinking about Chebukati, his mind was somewhere between forms, wondering who would win. But if Chebu taught us anything, it was how long he let us marinate before finally revealing the results. The Kenyan man must use such skills during foreplay and prepare us so thoroughly that we will be pleading with him to finish the job.