Inadequate sex, loneliness: Real stories behind cheating in marriages

An unhappy couple in bed. (Courtesy) The saying once a cheater, always a cheater is more than an old wives' tale. Infidelity is hardly a new phenomenon in African set up, it has existed for as long as people have united as couples, married or otherwise. Marriage counselors report that affairs sometimes occur in happy relationships as well as troubled ones. Betrayal cuts to the bone, as the wound can be healed. Plenty of people care deeply for the well-being of their partners even while lying to them, just as many of those who have been betrayed continue to love the ones who lied to them. But the most disturbing and unanswered question is why do partners cheat? There is no specific answer, and experts in various fields can give as many reasons. Some of the reasons advanced include sexual addiction, intimacy disorder, adventure, ego, lack of appreciation, seeking love and attention, and disillusionment. Ana Muthoni, a couple coach and marriage counsellor, says she has seen a variety of dynamics in marriages. She says working closely with over 2,000 couples over several decades, has made her understand reasons why women cheat on their husbands. "The dynamics vary, of course, but in general, there are red flags pointing to infidelity in a relationship or marriage," Ana says. Take the case of Gloria Rabeto Shimoli, a 29-year-old woman who cheats on her partner, who has refused to let their rocky relationship end. The businesswoman mother of two says besides her in-laws being against their union, her husband changed drastically after striking a good deal that paid him millions. Her struggle to stabilise their marriage has never born fruits as any attempt attracts lots of insults and fights. So she decided to stay in but look for love and intimacy elsewhere. "I had tried to break up with him several times, and he kept telling me that we should stay together and raise the kids. He also told me I would never find anyone better. I felt trapped," says Gloria. Without regrets of playing her husband, the woman felt wasted and worthless. She therefore opted to stick around and seek pleasure elsewhere. "I needed a release. I even became bitter with my kids. It reached a point I suggested to my partner that we seal the deal of looking after our kids but when it comes to intimacy, we find pleasure elsewhere," she says. Tired of the cold matrimonial environment, Gloria first found warmth in the arms of a neigbour. "I started with my neighbour before I met a better person who appreciates me more than my husband did. I don't regret cheating on him, financial support is not that essential as compared to emotional satisfaction," she argues. For Josphine Mueni, happiness is key when it comes to intimacy. For her, she cheats because her husband is poor in bed. "It sometimes disturbs me but what do I do. I have tried to encourage him to seek medical services but he finds it offensive. I have even gone overboard and communicated through friends but still he cannot rise to the occasion,'' says Josephine. Mueni says her husband has premature ejaculation, a situation that is killing their marriage. "I noticed that whenever I tried to bring up the topic, he becomes very protective and abusive. So I settled on seeking pleasure outside," she says. Though she admits feeling embarrassed of her actions but she blames the husband of rubbishing her concerns about their inactive sex life. "I can't deny that he is a good father to my kids, but I also need to be satisfied. I promised myself not to hurt him, and that is why I do it secretly and respectfully," adds Josephine. Joackim Odhiambo, 43, admits cheating on his wife. He claims one woman cannot quench his thirst. "A woman can't be a hundred per cent perfect of what a man wants. So when you happen to meet one that surpasses sixty, the rest seek outside," Odhiambo says. According to Joackim, being lazy, unkempt and having misplaced priorities are some of the factors that drive men away from their sex partners. He therefore encourages men not to feel guilty being in multiple affairs. When it comes to extra marital, he says women should not complain as long as they are well taken care of materially. Ana, the couple coach and marriage counselor, says cheating is rarely that cut-and-dry. Having talked to several partners, Ana has learnt that cheating occurs when one partner is not sexually satisfied. "We tend to think that people cheat because they are unhappy in their relationships. And that certainly can be true but the reality is more complicated," she explains. "It is important we note that there are plenty of people in perfectly happy relationships who also cheat," she adds. Ana says that men are not in tune to the emotional needs of a woman. "Additionally, a lot of men are too busy for their women who end up seeking attention elsewhere," says the counselor, adding that men tend to put their focus on so many other things like career, sports teams, hobbies but they want their wives to always be there for them when they want them to be there. "If the woman is not getting the emotional and spiritual connection she wants from her husband, she will look elsewhere, even if in someone who is only going to offer temporarily emotional support," observes Ana. Some women get tired of being downgraded, unappreciated, abused and having their children neglected or living in fear. Ana also says at some point, women who feel neglected may no to the affair and decide to walk away if the partner declines to give a listening ear. According to Ana, some straying women do what they do due to the fact that they did not have a relationship with their own father who was either absent, an abuser or unfaithful to his wife. Vanessa Musau, a sex therapist argued that an unequivocal view of infidelity is not the most honest way to look at the issue that is wrecking marriages, rendering children parentless and even causing bloodshed. "We have a really black-and-white way of looking at infidelity. But it is important for us to see that there are a lot of shades of gray to it," notes Vanessa. She says she understands the pain that cheating can cause but cautions against generalising the matter. "People who cheat are not terrible, evil, horrible people. There are plenty of really great, wonderful people who cheat, as well. People do bad things. That doesn't make them bad people," says Vanessa. Vanessa says the most common causes of cheating include work or social connection, explaining that half of all affairs are between work colleagues with proximity and bonding being the main triggers. There is also the overwhelming temptation of the thrill of being awakened by another person interested in you. She notes that sometimes being a mother or wife feels like being a doormat. "But with a new lover, that sense of femininity awakens. The affair makes a person feel good about herself, as a human being, and sensual or sexual person," says Vanessa. She also attributes the desire to cheat to being disconnected at home or feeling lonely, explaining that too often, marriages become boring with partners rarely taking to each other and being unavailable. Partners who find themselves is such situations ultimately become vulnerable. "They crave for affection and attention and are vulnerable to an affair where suddenly those needs are being met by someone outside of the marriage," says Vanessa. When there is little physical intimacy, the relationship is bound to be in trouble leading to an extra marital affair, not because of the lack of physical arousal or pleasure but for the lack of the sense of affection that physical intimacy, and emotional intimacy brings. "These are not the only reasons but they are common reasons I have seen when helping couples heal and resolve their relationship challenges. Over 90 per cent can be saved with the right approach at the right time, if both parties see the value in avoiding the pain and high costs of divorce.'' Vanessa opines that narcissistic traits or personality disorders are associated with a greater likelihood of cheating, explaining that with narcissism, an affair may be driven by ego and a sense of entitlement. "In addition to being self-centred, people with these disorders often lack empathy. They don't appreciate the impact of their actions on their spouse," she says. Vanessa advises couples to make counselling part of their relationship growth as it helps rebuilding trust and bring the family together.

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