Crimes against family

By Jackie Ojiambo

Why do people behave so rudely to those they care about most? Probably because they can. If you are rude to an employer, you will get fired. If you are rude to your boyfriend you will get dumped. If you are rude to your parents, they will still be your parents in the morning. There is a saying that family are the people who have to take you in when no one else will. The fact that they are always there for us should be reason to treat them with love and appreciation; unfortunately, however, it sometimes means that they are taken for granted and treated rudely.

Bringing children to adult events is a No, No.

Part of the problem has to do with the concept of "company manners". This implies that there are two sets of behaviours: One for show, and one for family. The one for show is the "phony" you — because it is polite and refined. The one for family is the "real" you, because it is sloppy and gross.

It is okay for us to relax our standards a bit when company is not around. But we should strive for increased informality rather than increased inconsideration. The most common crimes against family are:

Putting them down. Criticising them in their presence or behind their back.

Wasting their time. Failing to communicate plans for a visit or always showing up late. Taking unfair advantage. Dropping in unannounced, treating relatives as a day care drop-off, freely borrowing money, cars, cameras and other valuable possessions and then "forgetting" to return them.

Talking business. Treating family occasions as business opportunities or expecting relatives to provide free professional advice, service or goods.

Not lifting a finger

Failing to offer help at family gatherings or playing the martyr by refusing assistance when hosting. Bringing kids to adult events. Insisting that children be included in occasions for adult family members.

Shameless bragging. Boasting excessively about one’s child or oneself. Frequently comparing members of the family with others always in an unfavorable way. This is another no-no. Letting kids run wild. Not discipling children and letting them break relatives’ house rules: allowing kids to tease or bully other relatives’ children.

Gossiping about them. Telling personal stories about them or blurting out private information.

Boorish behaviour. Displaying poor table manners, interrupting, dominating conversation, and any other behaviour that a person would not dare try with people who are not related.

Amongst family, we should feel safe and loved, relaxed and accepted. It should be the place where you know you will be treated with kindness and understanding. It should be the place where you practice your best rather than worst manners.