Kisiang'ani's woes in the city amid sweet village chronicles

Outgoing ICT PS Edward Kisiang’ani. [File, Standard]

My holiday from political thoughts continues. I will probably return to that landscape soon. For now, however, I continue sharing these sweet chronicles from Emanyulia, our amazing home of wonders.  

Like the people of Umuofia, in Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, the people of Emanyulia flatter themselves with the thought that they are great souls from the land of the brave. You recall the moniker “Umuofia obodo dike,” in Achebe’s all-time classic? Yet, we avoid unnecessary trouble. We avoid people who break the heads of messengers. People like that Prof Edward Kisiang’ani can violently open up your head with a metallic crowbar, remove your brains and throw them to dogs, if you write things they don’t like. Kisiang’ani is a man of letters. He has read all books in world history. He knows everything about man, civilisation and conquest; from prehistory to world exploration –  and beyond. He knows about the rise, decline and fall of empires. About powerful emperors who became nothing and, especially, about the end of the glory that was Rome on the Tiber!  

This professor of history knows how the great Roman empire died, under one Lucius Tarquinius Superbus. They called him Tarquin the Proud. His reign (534–509 BC) was b-r-u-t-a-l! It led to popular uprisings that brought down his Etruscan Dynasty, forever. Kisiang’ani has read literature. He knows about Nza, a very small bird. Achebe says that one day Nza’s stomach was bursting with hot food. He was so happy that he challenged his guardian angel to a fight. He fell. 

Eh! Tyrannical pride comes before the great fall. Kisiang’ani knows about Ivan the Terrible of Russia (1530–1584). He imagined that everyone’s hand was after him. He feared everyone, and everyone feared him. Such men “have lean and hungry looks. They think too much. Such men are dangerous.” They will open up your head and do terrible things with your brains. We stay safe from them by telling village tales. Like Odera’s, the great chief whose cow was stolen. Odera joined the gang called Musumbichi, for a share of edible internal organs, from his butchered animal. Odera is now a senior member of Musumbichi. But he denies. More of his children have taken up senior positions in the gang. Yet, Odera still says they do not belong to the gang.  

Ashamed of husband?

Emanyulia is baffled. Is Odera the Apuoyo amphibian married girl? Apuoyo pretended to be single, each time she saw a new man. Children sang about the amphibian wife who lived on land and water at the same time. “Apuoyo im married, but Apuoyo im say dey no marry; because Apuoyo im see new man oh! Apuoyo im ashamed of im husband oh!” 

They say Apuoyo and the one he called a thief are now planning a joint raid on Emanyulia. Not a goat shall be left. Not even a chicken. But others say this is not so. Apuoyo is planning to take over the gang called Musumbichi. For a start, he has persuaded the chief gangster – Kalikaka the gangster –  to allow him own half of the gang. Kalikaka has accepted. Fear abounds in the gang. Kalulu, the coordinator and supervisor of gangster departments is a worried man. He thinks Apuoyo wants his role in the gang. He has written a letter to Emanyulia, saying his position in the gang is safe. “Everything is just as it was when we agreed to form the original gang,” read Kalulu’s letter.  

To divert attention from intra-gang power struggles, they are mounting unprecedented verbal assaults on the former deputy gangster-in-chief, a man called Richard Guy Gaston, or Rich GG, as he calls himself. RGG is himself a mean cat. A big showdown looms in Rich GG’s homestead. Kalikaka the gangster is taking his troops to the man’s very home. Rich GG recently warned Kalikaka to keep off his homestead and the neighborhood, unless he wants to know why the donkey has a short tail, no horns and a huge voice. Bring out your githeri.  

I will probably return from my political holiday soon. But, first, let’s see what happens, now that the villagers are asking Odera, the Apuoyo spouse, about their children who died fighting for his stolen animals. Was blood shed, and life lost so that Apuoyo would join Kalikaka the gangster? Is this the inclusivity Apuoyo often talked about? Emanyulians are crying about broad-based conspiracy, even as Apuoyo says “im dey not marry Kalikaka the gangster, oh! Im dey only come and stay oh! Cause dey fear dangerous area boys oh!”

-Dr Muluka is a strategic communications adviser. www.barrackmuluka.co.ke