Relationship Dilemma: I fear my wife is secretly seeing her boss, what should I do?

The middle-aged man from Kisumu County suspects that his wife is unfaithful. [File, Standard]

On Wednesday, March 15, a middle-aged man from Kisumu County sent us a message detailing his relationship dilemma.

He suspects his wife is cheating on him with her work supervisor.

We published the dilemma on our Facebook page, Standard Digital, and hundreds of users offered their advices to him.

Dilemma

Below is the message he sent to The Standard, seeking both Kenyans' and experts' help on the matter:

"My name is Lameck.

"I live and work in Kisumu.

"I suspect my wife is having an affair with her boss. Every time he calls her, including during odd hours at night, she usually rushes out to pick the call. Sometimes I'd hear her giggling, suggesting that the call could be non-work-related.

"Whenever I confront her, she usually says I'm being insecure and immature.

"One of my friends works with her, and he has told me often that my wife and her supervisor usually go out on lunch together.

"I don't feel like checking her phone, because I fear coming across messages that would break my heart.

"I love my wife. What should I do?"

Kenyans' opinions

Below are some of the sampled Facebook users' comments:

Becky Yula said: "It is simple: calls are never received during odd hours. Confront your wife and know the truth. I'd rather be hurt knowing the truth than live a lie. And you are not being immature or insecure by seeking to know the truth."

Min Denzel said: "Stop listening to your friends. They have no right to be involved in your relationship. Approach your wife and talk to her candidly about your concerns. Don't fear anything. The more you are silent, the more you get hurt."

Gabriel Obuta said: "Approach your wife diplomatically. Speak to her about the risks she could be subjecting herself to if she engages in extramarital affairs. If it's true her boss is having a sexual relationship with her, then that is a breach of trust, professionalism and work ethics."

Jaafar Emoru said: "Trust your gut feeling and confront your wife. Closely monitor her reaction thereafter. Once you validate your fears or suspicion, take a mature and fair decision. Alternatively, check her phone without her consent to know the truth."

Stacy Stacy said: "Suspicion alone isn't enough reason to make a drastic decision. I do talk to my boss on phone, and even laugh with him, but I am not in a relationship with him."

Solomon Mwangale said: "Have an honest conversation with your wife. Let her know that her actions are making you to feel insecure, and that you need reassurance of her commitment to your marriage. Also be clear about what you expect from her, moving forward. You might also consider seeking a counsellor's intervention."

Judith Ogeya said: "Confront your fears before they conquer you. Tell your wife what you expect from her, at home and at work. If she crosses the line, don't hesitate reading her the riot act."

Philip Ojiambo said: "Pick up the phone when her boss calls, and listen to what comes out of his mouth. You can then confront her boss by asking what he exactly wants from your wife."

Faith Mweleli said: "Face the Goliath in the room. Confront your wife and know the truth."

Martin Olenya said: "Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, then chances are high it is not right. While confronting her, be measured."

Expert's advice

Nicoletta Mungai, a relationship counsellor and psychologist in Nairobi, says Lameck appears to be in "denial" of the "visible signs of infidelity" by his wife.

"All the signs of an unfaithful partner are there, but the man is in denial. Maybe he is not prepared to handle a heartbreak. That makes him anxious. The marriage no longer has a secure attachment," said Mungai.

"The man fears losing his wife, and also fears being labelled 'insecure'. That stops him from acting assertively. His inaction enables the woman to continue engaging in inappropriate behavior," added the relationship expert.

"I'd advise him to take charge of the situation, be assertive and tell his wife about what he expects from her, moving forward. If his partner doesn't want to speak about the matter, then he'd have to be categorical that she either sticks by him and his rules, or choose to be with her boss."