Poop hits the fan as rival drug cartels clash over new punitive tobacco laws

Shots were fired and dozens injured when a meeting between two rival drug cartels called to come up with a common stand on the new punitive tobacco control laws turned violent.

Sources say common ground could not be reached because the two cartels had differing takes on the tobacco control law, which are seen by some as hell bent on killing the industry.

One cartel is happy with the laws while the other is vehemently opposed as it sees the new rules and regulations negatively impacting their business.

The anti-tobacco laws cartel is arguing that cigarettes have for long served as an innocent introductory drug for young smokers who then go on to graduate to other drugs such as weed, otherwise known as bhang. The cartel therefore views the new laws as disturbing the balance.

“Surely, without cigarettes how will our future consumers be introduced to the hard drugs? This laws must be repealed or we will take our investments out of this country and relocate to a more conducive environment,” the anti-tobacco laws cartel said in a statement after calm had been restored.

Economic analysts have warned that the threat to relocate should not be taken lightly. This is because while majority in the country would be happy to have drug dealers leave, their investments in their legitimate ‘front activities’ are huge and could have a serious impact on the economy!

cigarettes kill

The pro-tobacco laws cartel however argues that cigarettes kill and they want the new laws to stay in order to discourage smoking and therefore increase the lifespan of their customers and thus make more money from them for longer. They accused their rivals of being short sighted.

“Our friends are being simple minded... This is the problem with smoking your own cheap weed! They should try our high quality product and they will see the difference!” said a spokesperson for the pro-tobacco laws cartel.

The pro-tobacco law cartel also argued that the laws are a blessing in disguise. They pointed out for instance that the rule, prohibiting sale of cigarettes as single sticks will make alternative addictive substances more attractive since stuff like weed will still be sold as single sticks and therefore will increasingly become more attractive.

The pro-tobacco law cartel even went as far as to call for increased taxes on cigarettes. “We want cigarettes to become so expensive that smokers will get depressed when they learn about the new prices and so they will have to find something cheaper to smoke or inhale or inject in order to feel better!” added the spokesperson for the pro-tobacco laws cartel.

Sensing defeat the anti-tobacco laws cartel is understood to be working on a strategy to beat the tobacco control laws. They are compiling tips on how smokers can avoid being haunted by the horrific images set to grace the cigarette packets.

Some of the tips include advising smokers in rural areas without electricity to only buy and smoke cigarettes at night when the packaging is not easily visible and to have finished them by the time the sun comes up!

Smokers in urban areas on the other hand will be urged to take advantage of power blackouts and smoke heavily then when their consciences are safe from being pricked since they can’t see the graphic health warning images.

“Alternatively while the law bars buying of single sticks smokers are not prevented from buying a pack but then removing the cigarettes and leaving the offending pack with the seller!” the leader of the anti-tobacco law cartel is understood to have said.

“Then the cigarettes can be put somewhere else, say a cigar case, a medicine or a condom pack!”