Wife whips a tray of eggs into gigantic omelette

BY HAMZA BABU

The evening is breezy and the gossip is steaming, setting the perfect mood for sundown with a well brewed cup of Kahawa Tungu.

The ingredients of which are designed to stimulate a tired body, sweat away all the bustle and stress of a hard day, especially in these hard economic times.

However, potent as Kahawa Tungu may be against most manner of ailments that afflict men, it does not claim to solve the travails brought about by the wiles and guiles of wives my customers have to eventually go home to, in the evening after the shop closes down.

Nagging

The only cure against housewives’ perpetual nagging, however, is group therapy. Which is in session for free at Kahawa Tungu every evening, served with a liberal dose of lies to blunt the edge of the real extent of the problem. This is standard practice as no one wants to be labelled a sissy by his colleagues.

And my customers are masters of sharing experiences. Husbands at the Coast will not be caught arguing and trading insults with their wives. We instead let the women rave and rant all they want, and then later discuss the problem in an open forum like the one offered at Kahawa Tungu.

Any man caught arguing with his wife gets reminded that he is competing with his wife’s feminity, and if he does not style up, he will soon be shaming his entire clan.

“Wapaka wanja nini (do you apply makeup)?”  an irate fellow is often sarcastically asked and this soon gets him to control his anger. That is only meant for the time being till they visit Kahawa Tungu where they are allowed to pour out their troubled hearts, and curse their wives.

Ruination

“That woman will lead to my ruination,” curses one of the men after a tentative sip of his Kahawa Tungu to steady himself.

This is Habib, whom everybody knows is useless before his missus.

“Just the other day, she called me while I was still in town and asked me to bring her a tray of eggs,” he continued.

Omelette

To the chagrin of the other customers, he narrated how instead of the English breakfast of eggs and toast he anticipated the following morning, he was served a giant omelette which had taken thirty eggs to prepare.

“That’s when I hit the roof as I had expected a boiled egg at least every morning for the rest of the month,” he said to much laughter from the rest of the boys.

“So what are you going to do the next time she asks for a tray of eggs?” one cheeky fellow wants to know.

“I will invite her to lay as many as she needs,” is the curt reply as fellows pat Habib on the back.

“Do you think she will understand that we discuss her if I say ‘cluck cluck’ next time I meet her?” asks Amigo.

“Usidhubutu, (don’t you dare) warns Habib. “Asiyejua maana haambiwi (let sleeping dogs lie)” he declares as we prepare to close for the day.