Stuck with a HIV positive spouse

I’m married and have a five-year-old son. My husband is HIV positive, but through Gods grace, we are a discordant couple. The problem is that he is living in denial. He will not go for counselling no matter how hard I try to get him to go and he has refused to take any doctor’s advice. I try my best to be good to him even though he does not appreciate it and sometimes he becomes violent towards me. Sometime ago he developed genital herpes after which we stopped having sex for a while — our sex is always protected. Since then he cannot rise to the occasion when it comes to sex. Many times I have considered leaving him and starting out afresh, but I’m jobless and I come from a humble background. Going back to my parent’s home would be too much of a burden to them. I’m depressed and need help on what to do about this situation.

{Susan}

 

Your take:

Susan, it could be that your husband feels that you always see and treat him as a victim and this can kill a man’s libido. What he needs now is your support, motivation, good nutrition and love. Don’t remind him of his HIV status because he already knows it. Be there for him; treat him like any other woman would treat her husband. Protect yourself during intercourse with him and never think of divorcing him. What if it was you who was positive and he was negative?

{Felix – Oyugisnet}

 

That man is in denial, but I suspect that you may be using excessive pressure in your attempts to have him seek doctors’ advice. His loss of libido may be as a result of anxiety. Wouldn’t you feel so let down if he left you because you were HIV positive? Do not think about leaving him, but handle him as you would expect to be handled.

{Ouma Ragumo – Ukwala}

 

It looks like the main reason you live with your husband is because of what you get from him. It is not abnormal for someone who is HIV positive to go through the denial stage, nor is it abnormal to fail to rise to the occasion since that is the source of his trouble and anxiety will naturally set in. Be patient with him and slowly bring him round to accepting his status. You may also involve his best friend or professional counsellor, but leaving him may not solve any problem.

{Tasma Charles}

My Take:

Susan, it is not clear why you want to leave your husband; is it because he is HIV positive or because he is not performing sexually? Nonetheless, I don’t think any of those two reasons is sufficient to justify leaving a man who is by all means — with or without HIV, your husband.

You should actually be grateful that you are living as a discordant couple and that you have a chance to raise your son. Not many people are as fortunate as you. We should not stigmatise anyone because those who are infected are just unfortunate. It is always easy to point fingers and accuse them of many things, but remember there is nothing those people living with HIV have done that you and I haven’t done. So we ought to treat them the same way we would want to be treated if we were in their shoes.

Living on

borrowed time:

However, managing HIV effectively requires one thing — acceptance of one’s status. It is after one accepts that one is able to seek and remain in the treatment program, otherwise, he is living on borrowed time. For him it may not matter much, but you may need to involve some of his close friends to talk to him about seeking treatment.

He has lost hope and is subconsciously planning to die — this is what he is doing by refusing to seek treatment. You are fortunate to be HIV negative, but remember that your livelihood depends on his well being. This is not a problem for now, but it is evident that his support is more or less term-based. It may not last you long so you have to start building your own financial muscle.

If you cannot leave him now because you are financially dependent on him, what would happen if he succumbed to the illness or dies from any other cause? You are walking a tight rope and you need to start building a financial foundation for yourself, knowing that by refusing to seek treatment, he may not last long and you need to be prepared. Start off now while you have his support and see how you can get one or several streams of income.

 

The important thing:

The most important thing now is for you to talk to someone who can try and rescue your husband from this denial.

Do not give up on him and let him know that seeking treatment is for his own good and that of his family. Through this, you may want to assure him that he is important to the family; that you value him and that he remains the head of that house.

However, do exercise caution in everything you do because you will always be at risk. You got lucky once, you may not be lucky again, so be in the know that the wellbeing of your son is in your hands.

{Taurus}