Good Lord, we now pray at gunpoint!

By Oyunga Pala

It must be a huge sigh of relief for non-churchgoers because the devil has conspired to provide yet another good reason to continue absconding.

Church is simply too dangerous these days. One could get blown up, shot at or robbed in the House of God. The church is under siege from rogue elements raising hell on holy ground.

Only last week, we witnessed a brazen daylight robbery in a church compound thanks to a KTN headline broadcast.

 A group of 15 men walked into a church compound, bolted the gates and proceed to pilfer and shake down a congregation of cash, mobile phones and stuff. They rummaged through unlocked car boots in the parking lot and methodically emptied the pockets of subdued church members.

CCTV cameras

The footage was captured by the church’s CCTV cameras. That we even have surveillance cameras in church is a story for a different day. But the video recording showed that only one of the thugs had a gun, which appeared fake. But we will never know because no one was bold enough to rally the numbers and dare the thugs who went on robbing the faithful for over 15 minutes and trying on newly acquired wrist watches!

All we needed were a few worshippers in church with hardcore street life experience and the thieves would have not operated with such audacity. The way things stand, the church may have to lure the so-called dregs of society — criminals and prostitutes — to the fold for protection.

Even so, I do not find the congregation behaviour unusual. It would be the height of folly to get shot in church trying to save your mobile phone.

But you know things are getting a little dicey when thieves forget their limits. Whatever happened to thou shall not steal from the church? Fleecing church faithful, ransacking and taking off with loot stashed in green plastic bags on a Sunday morning is a new low.

For those raised in conservative Christian households, where Christ was the ‘Head of the House and the Silent Guest at every meal’, church represented refuge. It was where the spiritual connection was rejuvenated and one found a sense of belonging amongst a devout religious community.

That purpose was long forgotten and places of worship became places of business. The gospel of redemption was superseded by the gospel of prosperity. Celebrity preachers’ have turned the pulpit in a platform for self-aggrandisement, tantalising followers with the secret of creating wealth — “Give and you shall receive”. Churches have become towers of opulence and the spiritual community has gotten flashier and exclusive.

Marketing

Many churches are in all out scramble for numbers through aggressive marketing and they have taken to promising fast, painless cures to all and sundry. These days you can receive blessings without leaving your home.

All you need is an M-pesa account and a TV. Send a miracle request to the number on screen and once the messenger on earth receives a confirmation message, the blessings are set to descend. It is no wonder then that criminals frequently target churches because they are simply seen as places with pots full of cash.

We now have to be frisked by metal detectors and monitored on surveillance cameras every time we venture into church because it really is no different from walking into a shopping mall.

 

Kikuyu fact or fiction?

I came across an interesting entry in a dog-eared copy of Colours magazine on religion.

Colours is a bi-lingual magazine (English and Italian) that specialises in photo-essays around themes illustrated by pictures from contributing photographers all over the world.

According to Colours, the Gikuyu were described as a “Kenyan tribe that hold nightly ceremonies to ward off spirits who they blame for freak weather conditions and epidemics.”

The morning after such a ritual, mothers shave their children’s hair in the shape of a cross, said the magazine. The cross is supposed to frighten the spirits off, should they be tempted to come back for more. The shorn children are then painted from head to toe in red ochre.

I had never heard of anything this terrific. It meant that the symbol of the cross predated the arrival of Christianity in these parts. I called my mate Mike Mwangi who is generally knowledgeable in historical matters to ask him about it and he chucked, saying, “Which Kikuyu?”

He promised to call some ‘old school chap’ to verify this fact and he had not called back by the time of going to press.

So, I am putting out a public request to imminent historians conversant in pre-colonial history of the Agikuyu, is this cross business fictitious mzungu mumbo jumbo or fact?

 

Come baby, come!

Miguna Miguna waltzed into town and in under a week, he had the country rattled. Everyone and their grandmother had something to say about Miguna Miguna.

The war on terror, the helicopter crash and other emergent national headaches were temporary forgotten because the national psyche needed a distraction and Miguna Miguna did not let us down.

A foresighted Prime Minister Raila Odinga, the villain in the book Peeling Back the Mask was sensible enough to get onto the first plane to China.

Miguna Miguna has an overbearing personality that stirs up resentment with remarkable ease. I have witnessed men snarl and snigger barely minutes into a Miguna interview with K24’s Jeff Koinange. 

Often times, it looked as if Miguna needed a handler, especially after his televised book launch where he unforgettably uttered, “Come baby, Come!” in a dare to anyone thinking libel. It was not long before people’s focus shifted from the content of his launched book to the character of the author. Miguna is gifted in working up an audience and most will admit that a confrontation with him is bruising. Nyando MP Paul Outa was so stung by a dismal coated in utter contempt, he promptly lead a mob of angry constituents in the burning of Miguna’s effigy.

It is not hard to figure out why Outa was incensed. Miguna was quoted to have thought quite lowly of parliamentarians from his home district, saying in part “...their contributions in Parliament couldn’t fill a two-lined paragraph.” Ouch!

Miguna Miguna’s sense of self-importance and his degree of intellectual arrogance is something we can learn to live with. His character flaws aside, Miguna has definitely pushed the envelope on intellectual freedom.

Books touching on politics in Kenya are largely sanitised. So Miguna’s contribution, regardless of personal opinion on the book and the character of its author, is an important record of an important time in Kenyan history.