Weird things drunkards do

DAVID ODONGO looks at some of the outrageous things that drunkards say and do in the name of alcohol

Thanks to the media, Kenyans have two mental images of alcohol: the cool couple in a TV advert and the soiled drunk lying spread-eagled in the gutter.

But the things that drunkards do make for hilarious reading. We have drunken men who wake up in the middle of the night but forget the way to the toilet and turn fridges, doors and even TV sets into urinals. And there is the man who collapsed by the roadside at midday and somehow imagined that he was sleeping beside his wife.

“Stop hoarding the blanket, Adhiambo,” he mumbled as bystanders howled with laughter.

roast goat

Drink is also infamous for showing scant respect for the mighty. Wambui Choku remembers an incident during their company’s team building session where alcohol and roast goat meat were in plenty. Minutes later, a senior manager who was very drunk called for silence.

“Did we eat?” he asked.

“Yes!” roared the crowd.

“Goat, fish, chicken or beef?” he wondered.

“Goat!” was the reply.

Upon hearing that, the manager broke down in tears.

“How could we eat a goat? Goats are cute creatures. They have beautiful short tails and a nice goatee. Did it even get a chance to say its last prayers?” cried the manager as his stunned subordinates stifled laughter.

Later, a new employee, also quite plastered, refused to leave the venue when the party ended at midnight.

“You said we would drink till morning. I am not leaving!” he screamed.

Alcohol also makes us too friendly. You bump into your boss at the local and since he is picking the tab, you find it appropriate to express how much you love them.

“Sir, I love you. No, you’re not hearing me. I LOVE you BRO!”

This is followed by a tight hug, a pat on the back and a never-ending squeeze of the big man’s hands as people seated at the table start wondering about your sexual orientation.

generous

Speaking of sex, women become quite generous while drunk to the extent that a popular alcoholic beverage has been christened ‘panty remover’.

After four of those deceptively sweetened drinks and several shots of tequila, a woman who would never give you a second look slurs, “Your place or mine?”

It is not for nothing that pastors dub alcohol the ‘evil drink’.  A story is told of a university student who was thrown out of a club and decided to find a friendlier bar. Soon after, he heard ‘rhythm and blues’ wafting from an open doorway and walked in. The place was full so he went straight to the counter and asked for a cold beer.

Unfortunately, the hall wasn’t a pub, but a church!

And drink can lead one into the jaws of a lion. Take the inebriated lout who staggered to the bus station at midnight where, luckily, one box-like matatu was still waiting for passengers.

He headed to the co-driver’s seat, but the driver refused to open the door. So he staggered to the back. Strangely, the men at the back of the matatu threw him out.

He got upset, shouting that he knew his rights, had money and was going to board that matatu to Kabete whether they liked it or not. They finally let him in and he fell asleep immediately.

excuse

But he woke up in the morning at Central Police Station. The ‘matatu’ had actually been a police car and the officers — who evidently must have been in a good mood — had a good laugh at his expense. Good thing all his valuables were intact.

Contrary to what most people think, however, drunken people always know what they are doing. They just don’t care as much. Stories are told of men who use alcohol as an excuse to say what they think of their wives, neighbours, siblings, parents and bosses.

For instance, a man who suspects all along that all his children resemble the assistant chief will one day drink himself senseless and let it all out.

Alternatively, a woman who gets sick of being harassed by her husband will get drunk and scream that he is ‘useless’ because he is not a ‘man’. Much as they will blame it on alcohol the next morning, everyone knows that the point has been made. 

shy types

Alcohol makes most of us say the most ridiculously inappropriate things. We feel bigger, more handsome, eloquent and stronger than we really are.

The only reality that never fades, no matter how drunk one is, is how poor we are. A man who fell asleep on the table after many drinks will wake up and his first question is, “Can you spare Sh100 for my fare home?” Of course, he will pay back tomorrow!

Strangely, shy types become a handful after a drink. In a village in Sabatia, nobody had ever seen John angry. But one day, he turned up at the local chang’aa den, drank two glasses of the lethal brew and staggered out screaming

“Nobody recognises me in this village. They only recognise my brother. Everybody says, “I’m going to Fred’s place. Everything is always about Fred,” he fumed.

When he reached home, he took a panga and chased his brother, Fred, all over the village. The next day, when Fred and his parents came to confront him, they discovered that he had taken the first bus to Nairobi when the enormity of what he had done sunk in.

Another funny incident happened in Khwisero Constituency. A local drunkard was married to a woman whose home was across the fence. One day, he started drinking earlier than usual. When he staggered home in the evening, he used a short cut — a path that cut right in front of his in-laws’ home.

mother-in-law

In his state, however, he mistook it for his home and walked into the house, straight to the bedroom, where his nude mother in-law was applying oil on her body after a bath. The elderly woman screamed, attracting the attention of her sons who quickly whisked him away.

News spread like wildfire. He had drunkenly tried to rape his mother-in-law! That was four years ago. Today, the reformed drunk is the church catechist. He has never touched alcohol since.

But it is at funerals that alcoholics are barely tolerated. A priest in Butere District was holding a burial service for a renowned shopkeeper. The deceased, the wealthiest man in the village, was a greedy and mean man.

During the sermon, the priest, however, eulogised the deceased as a generous man headed to heaven. But his monologue was cut short by a drunkard shouting, “Iriambo. Habil ne jawuoro. Sani en e mach kod Obel Sibuth (You are lying, Habil was a miser. Right now, he is probably in hell with Belzebul)!

After the burial, the priests and mourners from Nairobi were told to sit in a special tent where they were served rich food while the rest of the villagers were told to queue up for boiled maize and beans on plastic plates.

The drunk, unhappy at the open discrimination, staggered to the ‘high table’ and said to the priest, “In emaowinjo ichiem kod ogandawala. Yesu be nechiemo kod ogandawalla. Jo farisai emanechiemo ee high table kendgi (You should eat with wananchi. Even Jesus shared meals with wananchi. Only the hypocrites and Pharisees shared the high table)!”

The brothers of the deceased, now fed up with the drunken man and his ‘truth’, quickly dragged him away and flung him outside the homestead. Blame in on the alcohol, but he had made his point.