What no one told you about motherhood

As we celebrate Mother’s Day next week, WANGECI KANYEKI gives you a glimpse into the rollacoaster life of a new mother. It’s a hats off to all mothers out there
The birth of a baby is an exciting event. Friends and relatives come from far and wide with gifts for the baby and special food for the new mother. For the mother, however, the birth of a baby irrevocably changes her life as she tries to adapt to her new role. Several women share the challenges they faced upon the arrival of their bundle of joy.
Susan Waithaka* is a 30-year-old mother of two girls, Wairimu*  three years old and seven-month- old Wanjiku*. 
When the firstborn arrived, Susan was overwhelmed with just how little she knew about baby handling.
“I did not realise that breastfeeding can be challenging. I thought you just place the baby and she feeds.  This was not the case; my attempts to feed the baby became almost futile as my nipples cracked because of breastfeeding the child in a wrong position.  My entire body was aching.  Sitting to breastfeed was a problem because of an episiotomy that had been done after deliver, my uterus was also contracting back especially during the breastfeeding.   I cried and had postpartum depression for almost one month.” 
Wambui Mwangi also found breastfeeding a challenge, “I was horrified at how sore my nipples became.  It was unbearable and I wondered why nobody mentioned this to me.  Second, my breasts are a private part of me and I was shocked at how easily I bore them out in public without a second thought”.
Bonding with Baby
Despite carrying the baby in the womb for nine months, mothers still have to acquaint themselves with the baby.
Bonding is the intense attachment that develops between a parent and their baby.  Most infants are ready to bond immediately. However, while some parent may immediately feel a strong sense of love, others have difficulty connecting emotionally with the baby, especially if the child is adopted or was born under difficult circumstances.
Susan confesses about her difficulty in bonding with the child: “I did not like the baby at first because of the pain I had undergone, I was resentful for three weeks but with time, I started liking her.  When the baby first smiled, she just won me over, I felt rewarded for all my hard work and was inspired to continue taking care of her.”
Penny Mureithi,  a mother to a seven-month-old baby says she was surprised at how overcome with love she felt. 
“Much as the baby had changed my world, I had so much love for the child. I knew my life had changed forever,” she says.
So what are some of the changes that come with the new angelic entrant?
Sleep deprivation
Part and parcel of motherhood is sleep deprivation.  Babies feed often and there are many long nights that a mother does not sleep  due to the baby’s endless crying.  This becomes more difficult when the mother returns to work, which creates a chronic fatique.
Kendi Waweru says, “I was so exhausted, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Taking care of a baby is a lot of work”.
Slyvia Kuria a stay-home mum with two children under three years says her toddlers need constant supervision.
“My husband and I have learned to have some of our dates at home. We watch the movies in house and I go out once a week to socialise,” she shares.
Agnes Korir*,  on the other hand says that nothing of the book tips helped to put her baby to sleep. She finally gave in to co-sleeping with the baby.
“That is what solved our problems.  I slept for the first time.  Both mummy and baby were nicer to be around and more peaceful during the day,” she says.
Career
At some point, most mothers have to go back to work.  This can create a lot of emotional turmoil of the mother leaving the baby.    Aster Abebe*, an Ethiopian woman married to a Kenyan explains how she felt when she first left her baby to go to work. 
“I had a headache and nausea. I was psychologically unsettled. It is like leaving your handbag or mobile phone at home. I kept calling home to find out how the baby was.  It is like a drug addiction, which one has to slowly detox from,” she says. 
Leah Akinyi returned to work after four months.  She says,  “Going back to work was so difficult for me.  First, I had nothing to wear. I had added weight after pregnancy and nothing fitted right.  I cried all the way to the office.  At work, I could barely focus. I continuously thought about the baby which then triggered the breast milk to let down and start pouring.  Expressing the milk at work was another challenge as the toilet is just not the appropriate place to handle baby’s mile.  My office had no private place where I could express milk.”
Susan says, “I left my full time job when I got the baby as I was missing out on my baby’s milestones.”
Rebecca Ng’ang’a a Communication and Culture lecturer at Daystar University once said that she is yet to find a mammal who leaves their young for another female to take care of.  It is no wonder that the nursing mothers feel such turmoil. 
Fathers
Mothers are not the only ones who go through changes when the baby comes home. Fathers too, have to adjust. Ejau Katungi a TV producer and father of two shares his story.
“ I found that I was exhausted due to interrupted sleep and was,  therefore, not alert at work.  I was trying to understand my wife’s erratic moods and hostile remarks.  I was not sure what I had done wrong.  Nothing I did felt good enough for her.  We could not discuss anything major as the baby distracted her.  She would multi task between taking care of the baby and talking to me. The length of our conversations reduced drastically and were punctuated with baby instructions like,  “please honey pass on the diaper.” I felt sidelined for about two years.  I was offended but I am trying to be understanding and patient with her,” he shares.
Body Changes
Mary Gitari a mother of two?was surprised that no matter how prepared you were to be pretty for the ‘after-birth’ experience, you still look like a train ran over you. Having carried twins boys (2.5kg and 2.4 kg) inside a little person like me who is under five feet,  I should have had a sign written ‘wide load’.  But I can’t complain — the babies are a joy and the word ‘babies disturb’ does not exist for me.”
With all these challenges a mother needs to find mechanisms of coping and managing the sources of guilt thrown at her. 
Whether it is feeling guilty about not having enough milk, not having a normal delivery, bearing only one particular sex of child, guilty of leaving work whatever the case find a way to enjoy the journey, the children will be gone before you know it.