Teenage rebellion: the pros and cons

By John Muturi

I attended a seminar for parents with teenagers at Kiganjo Youth Polytechnic recently and picked some interesting facts.

When asked by a facilitator whether they perceive rebellion as a negative or positive experience in life, the parents said in unison it was a negative experience.

The facilitator pinpointed: "Even though rebellion is defined as resistance or rejection of authority or control, what would then happen if a child never resisted parental control? Chances are they would remain under their parent’s authority and probably roof, forever!"

As they advance in years, the emerging adults start to free themselves from their parents’ values, ideas, beliefs and controls and try to establish their own.

In that sense, it is a positive process of establishing one’s own individuality, code of ethics, beliefs, ideas and values. Unfortunately in some cases, it becomes a very difficult journey for both teenager and parent.

This process is a very necessary procedure for all teenagers. A teenager calls out for recognition of their individuality through rebellion.

A search for identity

The teenager is attempting to find out who they are, what they believe, and what they stand for-in short, identity and self-respect are on the line. Thus while searching for these answers they may react more strongly to your authority than before. It is imperative to recognise that their reaction is not personal but something normal developing within them.

During the normal phases of rebellion, you may expect your teenager to challenge your authority in a number of areas- test rules and curfews, or refuse long-established family values. They may also show the same challenge to authority through their dressing or the music they listen to.

The intensity and direction of your teenager’s rebellion will depend to a great extent on your reaction to it. It will become worse if you continue dictating and controlling him or her but if you can show patience while your child is finding himself or herself, you will retain the bond you have with your child.

Abnormal rebellion

This is more difficult to handle because it involves a total refusal to cooperate in family or social responsibilities.

The teenager refuses to abide by the rules; habitually experiments with alcohol, drugs, and sex; has repeated brushes with the law; or appears in bizarre fashions. It can lead to a life seething with bitterness and hate.

It is difficult for parents to know how far they should go with the child. Remember that a teenager has a mind and individuality of their own and these can’t always be controlled. Hence never try to fully control your teenager’s destiny. Allow them freedom to make some decisions.

Welcome back a repentant teenager and show them unconditional love, no matter how difficult it may be.

Helpful tips for parents

Learn to communicate: Stop the endless verbal wars and hold a serious conference with your teenager. A restaurant would be an ideal venue where you can control yourselves.

Express the seriousness of the situation without being judgemental or blaming.

Explain that what has been happening is normal and natural though not necessarily pleasant. It is part of the teenager’s process of establishing their own identity and values.

You however can’t set them free to do whatever they wish because you have cardinal responsibility to guide and protect them. You can then apologise for not always reacting in a positive manner.

Outline limits: Let them understand that even though they are growing up and will soon be on their own, they still have to follow the family rules in order for peace and harmony to prevail. Spell out the rules that you will not compromise on. Then calmly let your teenager understand that if they choose to deliberately disobey you, you will be forced to resort to drastic measures. All this should be conveyed with love.

Tell him or her that you want a happy home during your few remaining years left together as a family and that these years can either be shared in war or peace.

Ask for their cooperation in contributing to family harmony and in shouldering their responsibilities around the home.