Love across class barriers

By Wangui Thuo

We do not like to admit it, but we are a highly stratified society and we tend to organise our lives around our social and economic classes. We feel safe within our little circles, so that we socialise, date and do business with people from our order. We watch the other side on TV from the comfort of our couches or as we zoom past in our fuel guzzlers.

However, love is one of the few things in life that do not follow a script.

You cannot predict that the delivery boy will have your stomach in knots every time he goes past or that the lyoung woman who sells samosas has such a wicked sense of humour.

James Wekesa, 32, maintains that even without us having to actively fit ourselves into socio-economic groups, life does that.

Says he: "It is very hard in the current system for a poor girl born in, say, Wajir to meet and date a boy living in Runda. They go to different schools, work in different towns and are exposed to different lifestyles. So naturally, you only marry the people who you have access to."

glaring differences

Her husband on the other hand had studied abroad, had the ‘right’ connections back home, spent holidays overseas or in one of their two holiday homes outside Nairobi and got whatever he and his siblings wanted.

"Honestly, you need to sit and think hard before you get into such a union," she says. She met her husband at the vegetable aisle of a supermarket.

Says she: "He was having trouble picking out terere and at the time, I thought it was for his wife but he clarified it was for his mum. We hit it off straight away." A few coffee and dinner dates later, they were ready to date.

"It was fantastic being with him. We got along like a house on fire, but our differences were glaring. He was from a very wealthy family that lived in a mansion in Lavington and had been exposed to the best of everything. My experiences were very different from his. We were not simply handed the things we wanted. We worked for them and saved money for clothes, gadgets, outings and other luxuries," says Njambi.

Njambi’s husband chose her over a neighbour who came from an equally wealthy family and who his mother was constantly pushing him towards. This caused friction right from the onset. The mother saw her nemesis as a more progressive catch.

She recalls how hard it was to visit his parents’ home even though the father was a little more welcoming. The mother would outrightly ignore her and sometimes even insult her.

After three years of dating, they were ready to tie the knot. "That woman made no secret of the fact that she thought I was nothing but a gold digger, forgetting that I am educated, have a well paying job and can survive on my own. I was overjoyed when my parents threw it back in her face by not asking for dowry. That keeps me smiling to date," enthuses Njambi.

She wanted to call it quits many times, but her then boyfriend would have none of it. He was so positive about making the relationship work that Njambi started believing there was a chance. Parents play a substantial role in their children’s choice of partner. In our African setting, parental blessings are vital in marriage, and it is always a relief when a parent accepts the child’s choice.

Parental concern

But many times, parents use social and economic class as a weapon to fight their children’s partners. This may stem from genuine parental concern for the child’s welfare or it may be driven by the parents’ competition with their own peers.

"You have to realise that as a parent, you only want the best for your children, especially when it comes to picking a spouse," says Agatha Mbatia, a mother of three, adding: "This union is for life and we are not always certain that our children’s judgment is sound. In addition, sometimes we see them making the same mistakes we made and are trying to save them the disappointments and heartbreak."

But Njambi believes there is more to her mother-in-law’s hostility than concern for her son.

She says: "The irony of it all is that she was picked right from the village and taken straight to Lavington by her husband. Her family was in such dire straits and through marrying into wealth, she has been able to uplift them. Suddenly with access to all this money, she takes every opportunity to lord it over people and will brag about the prices of everything she owns."

Mildred Oketch-Owuor is categorical about who her children should marry. She will not be a laughing stock. "I will not give my two daughters to any riffraff. At the minimum, I expect a boy educated to masters level and with good financial prospects. I have educated and exposed my daughters to a certain kind of life and I expect their suitors to match up and do even more," she vows.

She goes on to explain that class is not just about titles. "These social cliques are real and I personally like being part of one. They provide mobility and a healthy competition that challenges you to work harder and live better. If your son or daughter marries ‘out’ of this order, you become the tea-time gossip. I make no apologies for wanting my daughters to aim high."Njambi remembers that her parents warned her about the relationship but she chose to stick it out.

She says: "My mother-in-law will remind me at every turn about the family wealth and connections. She says that it is because of her son’s money that I am driving this car or our children are going to that school, despite the fact that I get some of these things with my own money."

Financial prospects

And, as expected, money has been the main contentious issue in Njambi’s marriage. She explains: "It has been a delicate balancing act because we have such different views on money. That has been the one thing we can argue about for days. He is a spendthrift while I like to plan my expenditure. He sees nothing wrong with taking a whimsical holiday to Morocco in December. For me, I am usually planning for the next year’s expenses, and especially for school fees, insurance and such."

Christine Mwende, 27, does not believe that parents should apply pressure on their children to date from their class. "Parents need to believe that they have equipped their children sufficiently to let them go into the world and make their own decisions. We need them as a guiding light and not as a destructive force in our relationships."

Anthony, her boyfriend of six years is from a poor family dogged by alcoholism. She, on the other hand, is from a stable well-to-do family.

Say Anthony: "Living through and witnessing the physical, psychological and verbal abuse from my father first hand has been a lesson for me. I don’t touch alcohol and I am aware of all my actions," says Anthony.

They plan to settle down next year despite the opposition from their families.

"My family was surprised when I told them we were planning on settling down. They thought I was dating him for the fun of it as I waited for someone better. Six years of fun, really?" she wonders.

Hard work and determination

Anthony goes on to say that for children of alcoholics, constantly proving yourself is part of life. "It hurt at first when she told me about her parent’s reaction, but I have grown up defying stereotypes. My father is a constant dark shadow for me, and I have decided that I will never be an irresponsible drunk like he is," he avers.

"I may not have had the chance and financial ability to get a university education and other cushioning papers, but I do not depend on anyone. Sometimes her [Christine’s] parents offer to give us money but I do not take it. I want to show them that I can take care of my wife once we are married," he says

As for Christine, who has her Master’s degree firmly pocketed, the odds are not too great to beat. "I would not be with him if I did not see his potential. He works hard and has plans and the determination to make it big. That, to me, is better than having inheritance from his parents. What matters is where you are going, not where you are coming from," asserts Christine.