She wants to marry a HIV+ man

I am a guy aged 35 living and working in Nairobi. In 1998, I dated this lady who bore me a baby boy. When she joined university, we parted ways due to peer influence on her side and because I was not financially able to care for her and the child. She later got pregnant by another man and gave birth to a girl. We met in 2007 and she explained her tribulations in the hands of this man. I wanted to help her but we lost touch again till February, last year. We started dating and were even planning to get married. I had accepted both children and loved them equally. In between, our relationship begun to experience several challenges — communication failed and we fought often. I always bent over backwards to make things work. Early this year, she sent me a message telling me that she decided to get married to another man who is HIV positive. I think she has been positive all this time and she could have infected me. Is it normal to marry a HIV positive person if one is negative? I am confused and fear going for testing as it could turn out positive. What happens to my son if she marries this man? {Concerned}

Your take:

This woman is not getting married to a HIV+ man. She just wants to get out of this relationship that is not working. If you can fight when you are courting, what will happen when you get married? Real gentlemen do not fight, they talk. Be a responsible man and help in the upbringing of your son.

{Eunice Nyokabi}

From the look of things, do not waste any more time with her. She is loose, unfaithful and materialistic. When she joined campus, she felt that you had no part to play in her life. Getting a child with someone else is a clear indication that the two of you are no more. Thank God you have a conscience, that is why you wanted to help her and your love for her was still blazing but this was not reciprocated. She was looking for a husband and you did not exist in her list of potential men. It is highly unlikely that she can get married to a man who is HIV+. Unfortunately you may be infected. There is nothing wrong with seeking legal support to have custody of your child.

{Kighambo Danson}

You should have realised early that this girl was not serious when she left you for financial reasons and then got a baby with another man. I think you really loved her but she took it for granted. The problems you got in the relationship could have started when she realised she was infected. She could have been using you all along because maybe you had a soft spot for her. Kindly go for a test early enough; remember a stitch in time saves nine. It might be difficult but it is worth it. You may be killing yourself with worry over nothing. Finally, your son still belongs to you no matter what. Pray that God will give you strength because what you are going through is not easy.

{Susan Otieno}

My take:

To test or not to test:

This is the million dollar question today. With it comes psychological torture coupled with personal doubt, guilt and resentment especially for those who have been up to no good the last couple of months. Our society is increasingly becoming a sex-society — from teenagers to young adults all through to the senior citizens. Practices such as inter-generational sex, homosexuality, incest and prostitution are gaining popularity at alarming rates. Our marital vows, personal values and societal norms have gone to the winds. Marriage is no longer a safety net; in fact it is a death trap! A recent study in Kenya registered that 46.7 per cent of married couples who sought voluntary counselling and testing (VCT) services tested HIV+. I will break it down for you; for every two couples (married) you see on the street, one is HIV+. Yes, the situation is that bad.

The reality is that we have to know our status each one of us. But why do so many fear the ultimate test? It is the apprehension of testing positive. But let us look at it critically. If one goes for the test, it only confirms your status; not puts you in another status, right? It is, therefore, an increase in knowledge to know ones status either positive or negative. If positive, there is so much help available which is aimed at assisting the infected to live longer. The main decision, however, regardless of the results is to practice safe sex if one "really" cannot be faithful to one partner.

I bet my arm, no one in her right mind would marry a HIV+ person if they were HIV-. Sir, it is time you smelt the coffee, faced the hard facts and counted your losses. You may have been a vehicle — "someone" she was using to take her from one point to another. The other point was where her "other boyfriend" would marry her after which your assistance and good services would no longer be required.

Our legal system is quite complicated and the law will always go the extra mile to ensure that children from broken homes remain in the custody of the mother. There are some circumstances under which custody may be granted to the father (we could ask Anthony Thiongo – the legal advisor to Instinct Magazine) to elaborate on these. Nonetheless, since she has decided to marry another man, it means she no longer or has never been interested in you. You may discuss the custody with your son in the presence of mature members of both families. If she accepts — good for you, otherwise you may have to negotiate an arrangement. Full custody is usually a long shot but it is still worth a try.

There is only one way to find out if she infected you with HIV — get tested. This would shed light on so many things. For starters, it would confirm your status, confirm or dismiss her story about marrying the other guy and it would give you peace of mind whichever way it goes. To some extent, she may be marrying this guy just because she wants to marry him and the HIV issue may be just an excuse.

Let go of her. I say this because making the decision to marry is a process not an activity. She has thought through this a lot come to a final conclusion. Also, she left you when you were low in finances, what makes you think she will hang around next time you get broke?

Tarus

In the next issue:

I did not think I would require assistance with my own children but I really need some now. I have noticed that my 13-year-old frequently searches for naked pictures of girls from the Internet. I told her to ask me any questions she may have instead of searching the Internet. Some of her questions are easy and normal — about her breasts and monthly periods. I am afraid that very soon she will ask questions about sex. I don’t know how I can answer some of them. I want to get this right and give her the best advice but on sex I don’t know how to. I don’t know the best way to start and carry out such conversations. I can feel it coming, please help me. {Mary}

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