Loneliness: surrounded by people, but so alone

Loneliness does not kill, it is the depression that comes with it that kills, experts have now warned.

Loneliness is an emotional state of mind where a person may be sad and unhappy about being socially isolated.

People who are lonely may often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.

This is according to Dr Geoffrey Wango, a Counseling Psychologist who says that loneliness may be caused by social anxiety, isolation, difficulty with assertiveness, and out of poor self-awareness.

This is attached to the lack of physical connection with other people, lack of common interests or shared values, and lack of emotional intimacy with one’s partner as the person may feel empty, alone, and unwanted.

“There is a difference between being alone and being lonely; in that, when one is alone, they have made a conscious decision to stay secluded from people and they are not sad about it, but when one is lonely, they may feel detached and isolated despite wanting social connection,” he says.

Loneliness can either be physical or emotional, and some of the contributing factors include physical isolation, moving to a new location, divorce, being from a different race or gender, old age, and people with disabilities may also feel isolated.

Additionally, loneliness can also be attributed to internal factors such as being an introvert or having low self-esteem and psychological disorders like depression and anxiety.

Dr Wango explains that a lonely person may be identified when they do not want to mingle with others even when they are expected to. For instance during a social occasion, when everyone is going for their meals or partaking in an activity but one person or a few people stay behind and do not join the rest.

Additionally, lonely people may be rude to others as they may feel they do not share their values.

They may not want to associate with others, therefore they may develop anti-social behaviours. Others will not easily appreciate jokes while in a group of people, and may pretend to be busy on their phones or even walk away from the conversation.

“This can be seen in children who do ‘lonely play’ by not allowing others to play with their toys and want to play all by themselves,” says Dr Wango.

He advises mothers to teach their children interaction from conception and birth because children can understand the mothers’ voice and that they ought to be taught cooperative play so that they do not pick up loneliness as a habit.

According to the psychologist, some people may suffer from loneliness from an early age due to the way they were brought up or from traumatic experiences.

For instance, when a young child is bullied in school, they may withdraw from people because they may feel abandoned and that nobody cares for them

Dr Wango believes the problem will escalate if not handled at that young age because when such a child gets to adolescence, they may find it difficult to interact and associate with people.

“It may be hard to fit in groups and when they retreat, this may push them into drugs and substance abuse including other social ills,” he adds.

These young people may develop eating disorders like overeating or not eating at all, as well as sleep disorders.

Eventually, they may turn to social media for solace. Further, he says people who are lonely do not make good partners in marriage or relationships because they find it difficult to attach emotionally to others and that their relationships may not thrive; they retreat into their corner when their partners want to get close to them.

“Loneliness sometimes pushes people into being workaholics or alcoholics to try and hide the fact that they are lonely,” he explains.

Cornelius Kimbui, a journalist based in Machakos, says that a person can be married and still feel lonely.

This, he says, happens when there are fights in the home and the partner may feel that the other does not value them or want to be attached to them emotionally.

“You can even sleep on the same bed and still feel lonely even though you harbour no hard feelings for your partner,” he says.

“If the man is the one feeling lonely, he will make sure he provides well for his family and that they are comfortable, but at the end of the day, he will still feel alone, even though he is surrounded by his family,” he adds.

According to him, this causes depression and anxiety and may be the reason why some marriages break or other people have “small homes” or second wives.

Loneliness and depression are common in old people, especially those who have been bereaved or are terminally ill as they may feel neglected by their families or not understood.

“In traditional societies, loneliness among the older people was well handled where grandchildren would be sent to stay with their grandparents and keep them company,” says the Counsellor.

Although loneliness in itself does not cause death, it has other factors that may lead to death. Dr. Wango says loneliness is accompanied by anxiety which can lead to cardiovascular diseases and cause the death of a person.

Further, most people who commit suicide have been lonely in life as they feel nobody cares for them, and one sign that a person is about to end his life by committing suicide is withdrawal.

“Such people isolate themselves from people, even their families, because they may feel that the society is the cause of their problem. So if a family member begins isolating themselves and does not want to associate with others, they should be taken for therapy,” Dr. Wango explains.