Dealing with death of a spouse

Kepher Otieno

The little boy cries as he nudges his father. "Daddy, I want some tea," he sobs.

Worn out from a hard day at work, Moses Aran dashes to the kitchen to make tea and keep his little boy happy.

This is the reality the 49-year-old widower has to contend with on a daily basis.

"Widowhood will affect you a great deal," he says.

Since October last year when his wife, Mary, died life has not been the same.

"I have twice the responsibilities now that I am doing the work of both parents," he says.

Staring at the ceiling of his house at Robert Ouko Estate in Kisumu, Aran explains how he has to leave the office early every day to go and look after his six children.

No control over god’s plan

But he does not resent this.

"It was God’s plan and I had no control over it. I never prepared for this," he says.

Aran says once the reality dawns on you that your ‘better half’ is no more, the pain can break your heart.

"You go to bed and recall all the good times you had together and burst into tears. The loneliness requires an enduring heart, and that is why majority of those who can’t cope remarry immediately."

He adds: "You really need consolation from the Bible and friends to continue leading a normal life. This is what has kept me going."

He says he is not keen on remarrying.

"The death of my wife ambushed me. I never expected my wife to die at a time when both us were still productive," he says.

His focus now is to educate his children. "I want to bring up my children and ensure they all go to school," says the 49-year-old Ministry of Cooperatives employee.

All six children are in school.

"I don’t even need a house help. I manage alone and I want to avoid temptations," he explains.

"I wake up every morning at dawn to cook for my youngest child who is eight. I pack the food in a hot pot and escort him to school."

His kitchen is always well stocked in case the children want something to eat when he is not around.

Keeping himself busy and the unconditional love of his children has made him face each day with optimism.

Elsewhere, about eight years ago and after 23 years of marriage, Dorothy Oyugi’s husband died. It hasn’t been easy for her to let go and move on.

Was left broke

Just like Aran, having children helped her somehow deal with her grief. Soon after her husband’s death, she had to take her four children back to school and be strong for them. Her first son was due to complete college, the second born sitting KCSE that year and the others were in secondary.

"I panicked on learning of his death on October 20, 2001. It was tough because I knew he had left me broke after spending most of our savings on medication and schools fees," she says.

But life had to go on without her husband, James Oyugi. There are projects they had started together but were incomplete.

"We were yet to build in my husband’s village. We were also in the process of buying land to build our dream home," she says.

The funeral was tough. People came claiming Oyugi owed them money. The debts were huge.

The widow, who works as a clerical officer with the Ministry of Home Affairs, says she has not been able to pay all the debts but she is determined to gradually settle everything.

Solace in church

"It has been a trying period. I had to clear my husband’s debts and assume all his responsibilities," says the woman who has taken it all in her stride.

She found solace in church where she is an active member.

As for Pamela Adhiambo, 49, whose husband died two years ago, she had to pray for strength and courage to soldier on.

To date, she has fitted into her late husband’s shoes and is running the family steadily.

Her major challenge is lack of capital to complete some of the projects he left incomplete. They include, a three-bedroom family house that stalled at Mamboleo estate in Kisumu.

Her husband used to work with Kenya Ports Authority and ploughed Sh1.8 million of his savings into building the house. All her energies are focused on it and wants to complete it, one stone at a time.

In addition, she is going back to school. She knows that is the only way she can scale up her earnings and hence speed the completion of the house — her dream.

Adhiambo, who is a nurse, knows her husband will be happy to know she completed the house, for that is what he really wanted for his wife and child.

She too has found solace in church.

"Church is my consolation. When I am deeply depressed. I sing hymns and sleep soundly," she says.