By Chiquitta
Armed with a clipboard and pair of bifocals (in a bid to conceal my identity from predators) I spent the better half of the weekend studying the mating habits of the Nairobians in the club. It was an interesting venture by all means. These were my findings:
While the female and the male eventually pair up for life, majority spend their time looking for a potential mate in what can only be described as hunting. Recent statistics show that this hunting still goes on even with those who have paired up.
Once initial contact is made libido enhancing drinks served by fellow sapiens are imbibed. The mating dance, though not as intricate as those of peacocks usually starts with the opening bars of what is considered a popular song. The bipedal mammals then immediately lift their hands in the air and begin to scream the stanzas. It’s all downhill from here as the consumption of a libido enhancing beverages increase and the pair stare at each other with looks of wonder. If you have ever wondered why HIV cases between married couples are on the rise, here are a few reasons...
Clande
The word clande is a common slang term used to describe the guy or chick on the side. Clande comes from the word clandestine meaning the two might both be in other relationships but choose to meet secretly. It also came from a radio advert for a lodging known as the "Clande club". The advertisement caused so much furore it was taken off air. Clande also means that even if one of them is single, they both know that they are " creeping" behind someone’s back. Who knows what drives many to get clandes of Nairobi city. The funny thing is once they get caught, most deny ever having seen their said clande. Inevitably this results in violence from the clande and the mate, the two mates or even all three.
Chips funga
Alternatively some Nairobians have perfected the art of Chips funga, while many of us may think this means carrying home a parcel of fries you are sadly mistaken. Chips funga is the Nairobi slang term for take away. Oh! Sorry, that’s another slang term. It basically means one night stand. This means boy meets girl, girl likes boy, both imbibe drinks and enjoying some form of mating dance, girl invites boy back to place or vice versa. Boy is free to leave in the morning or vice versa. The chips funga phenomenon is nothing new although it has become more common with many even having regular chips that they funga ever so often. The chips funga business is quite risky not just because of sexually transmitted infections but because some people have been fleeced by the very chips they fungad.
Professional Mistress aka side portion
The professional mistress is not a chips funga and nor is she a clande, the professional mistress refers to herself as a second wife with or without the knowledge of the first wife. Basically what the professional mistress has found is that she can have the milk without having to buy the cow. Milk in this case means a furnished apartment, car, shopping trips without being fully encumbered with wifely duties. In fact there is a clause that frees the side portion from any liability should the man fall into hard times. In other words, it’s for better and better and not for better or worse.
Toy boy
Some dudes seem to enjoy the particular muhadhara Jimmy Gait sings about. They get cars, rent, and money from older women in return for heir youthful libido. This is not a phenomenon unique to Nairobi. In Mombasa it’s a roving business between older white women and younger black men.
Twilight zone
When you choose to leave the club depending on which part of town you are in you will notice some scantily clad women standing on the side of the road. It will soon dawn on you that they are not advertising a new evening paper. No, they are what we will call women of bargain-able affection. And then you will notice the cars that stop by to pick them up, these are the men who invest in the affection. It’s supposed to be the oldest trade in the world but we only get to see one side of it, it would be nice to know who these dudes are, where they come from, where they go and what they do, wont it?
