Five more Kenyan male behaviours

By Tony M

Last week, I took on the Girl in DC head on, like those bulls from Khalwale land that never made it to Kasarani. And to close the year, Men Only will look at five more ‘Kenya guy’ stereotypes, and tell you which are true, and which are bull.

smoke free

Clara said Kenyan men enjoy discouraging their women from smoking, even when the guys themselves like the cancer sticks. ‘Isn’t this being hypocritical?’ she posed. Not really.

You see, unless a man doesn’t give a damn about you, he does not enjoy seeing you puffing away your uterus. Smoking isn’t good for fertility, so if a man sees you as the potential mother of his next generation, he’ll do his best to stop you from puffing away like a train at the tube station.

Ditto with the drinking!

Which brings us to the next point. Drinking makes some girls giggle, others horny — but mostly, it makes the ladies loud. And no one likes a noisy woman. I do not care how liberated you are, shouting your opinions in the bar, even if on the Media Bill, is a very big turn off.

Even the Good Book says somewhere that it is better to live on the roof, than share a room with a nagging woman.

Resist the temptation to shoot out carbon dioxide from that pretty hole in your face, and life will be as fine as turpentine. Or right as lightning. Besides, quieter women make their men look respected and wise, even when the man is a mule, per excellence.

Can’t get it

The Girl in DC thinks that, "in the 21st Century, having a male friend is normal." Why? What happened in 1999 that turned men into asexual creatures in 2000, or is that the Millennium Bag that everyone was talking about?

Call me odd, but I’m not, when I say I just don’t think it is normal for a man to have a very good female friend, without ulterior motives developing on the way. Remember how, in third grade, we boys used to sit apart from the girls, and the two sexes were awkward around each other. Yuh, that’s the way life was meant to be.

Every time a woman says we should ‘hang out as pals’, my red lights go up. Why? I have my boys for soccer, and a beer, what do I need a third lady wheel for? If Clara and her ilk want "insiders from the opposition" telling them all the juicy male secrets, then get a gay friend.

They’ll even let you in on cosmetic make-up secrets.

On the good side, the Girl in DC did acknowledge that Kenyan men never let a woman pay for a meal when they go out. Well meant statement, but not quite accurate. Outside of the Diaspora, there is a porous breed of men who want to get into our women’s purses, even more than their (it rhymes with ‘purses’).

Prrr… that’s me blowing the whistle on these weasels, and giving them Red Card. Look here, you cads, if you cannot get the woman you want, maintain the woman you can afford.

Don’t change the Rules of this Ancient Game and play a well off lady, because while she was deep in her books in high school, you were playing the classroom fool… and impregnating the neighbourhood maid.

I disagree

Finally, Girl in DC considers ‘Tusker and nyama choma’ dates total de classe. I disagree. Just because women like her grew up at a time of movie-and-popcorn doesn’t mean we should graduate to fine wines and five star restaurants; especially where man always pays, or go on long Coastal holidays.

Once in a while, like Valentine’s Day, that’s okay.

My recipe

But one wants a real woman who does not mind the local, the loud rock club or a soccer bar where your pals are chanting ‘mine Chelsea, mine Chelsea, we will see the trophy in two-oh-nine’ at the top of their voices.

This Saturday afternoon, take your woman for a Tusker and nyama choma date, and avoid talk of ‘Election Day’ on this date last year.

Oh, and have a Happy New Year. See you next Saturday, on the other side.