Hi Chris,
I have a new boyfriend and I love him. But he wants us to be intimate and I don't. I'd like to have my own family one day, but right now I don't feel the need to be intimate with anyone.
How can I convince him to wait?
No Intimacy
Chris says,
Hi, No Intimacy!
You don't mention any particular reason for wanting to wait, so would I be right in assuming that you just don't feel like having sex? Not just with your boyfriend, but with anyone?
Most people feel a strong need to be in a sexual relationship, so if you don't, you may be asexual. In your case, you may be able to love your boyfriend romantically, but not in a sexual way.
About one per cent of men and women are completely asexual and don't enjoy physical contact at all. They don't like the idea of sharing a bed and usually remain virgins for life. Others have no problem with physical contact, but holding hands is probably as far as they want to go. Some seek relationships for companionship, support and security. Others have no desire to connect with anyone. Like you, some would like to have children and others are willing to have sex just to please a partner. Many have some sexual feelings but simply don't understand society's obsession with them.
This means that sexual/asexual relationships can be difficult. For example, your boyfriend gets 'horny' and you don't. It's a bit like seeing good food but not wanting to eat it because you're not hungry.
So you and your friend need to talk. It won't be an easy conversation but do it anyway. Because you've got nothing to lose.
Find out what you like about each other. Talk about what you both want from your relationship. Is there a form of intimacy that would work for both of you? Work through all the possibilities with an open mind and see if there's a solution you're both happy with. And if there isn't, just agree to be non-sexual friends.
All the best,
Chris
