How do I tell he's right for me?

Hi Chris,

I have never had any problem spotting the signs that suggest I should avoid someone new. A cheater perhaps, or an abuser. And so my love life has been pretty free of those.

But I still have a problem with a man who seems to start pretty well, but still, turns out to be the wrong one for me.

Is there something I am missing in their behaviour that would have warned me off if I had known about it?

Bad News

Chris says,

Hi Bad News!

Most of the things that make men bad news vary from mild to severe. The severe versions are the well-publicised red flags, but the milder versions can just look like faintly odd behaviour. Though once you have spotted one odd behaviour, you will probably notice several more.

A good example is an inappropriate disclosure. Like you have only just met, and already you have heard his entire life history. Or maybe you are with someone who never seems to give you the whole story.

All you get are breadcrumbs that conceal the real situation, or you notice that the details keep changing, or do not make sense.

Or maybe he has unusual eye contact. Over intense perhaps, or oddly disconnected. Or a rigid thinking pattern, with no ability to compromise or see your viewpoint. Perhaps it is your very first date, but already your new friend knows where you live, work, and went to school.

He will probably say it is ‘normal’ to look someone up, but knowing more than what is immediately obvious from your social media suggests he might become controlling or obsessive.

Or maybe he is someone who does not keep their word. Or who tries to convince you that you are ‘making a big deal out of nothing.’ Or tells you you are ‘confused.’ Watch out for a lack of empathy, negativity or belittling remarks.

He tries to persuade you that everything is fine, even when you are feeling deeply uncomfortable. Or dominates the conversation. Or is erratic and unpredictable. Endlessly texting you for days and then going quiet for a week.

Watch for someone who does not respect your boundaries. Who stands too close, moves too fast, or touches you too soon. Who refuses to take no for an answer, issues ultimatums and creates scenes. Or who refuses to apologise, says you are the cause of the problem or resents even the slightest critical remark.

Be especially wary of someone who cannot control their emotions. Who gets hugely upset whenever things do not go their way, or whose mood flips from relaxed to raging anger in the blink of an eye.

See more than one or two things like that and you will never be able to trust your new friend. Or be yourself. Move on.

All the best,

Chris