Global statistics show that seven out of ten children today live in families affected by the emotional trauma of the death, divorce, separation or abandonment of one or both parents. For both children and adults, the holidays heighten the sense of loss.
Even if it’s been years since the parent died or moved out, the child’s pain can be intense at this time of year. While holidays are associated with family moments, some families will spend the festive season with fathers as single parents, either because they are divorced, separated or have lost their spouses.
Jairus Momanyi is one such father. He has been a single parent since his divorce. He and his wife have been divorced for six years, and Momanyi had no choice but to take responsibility for his two children because his ex decided to move on. He could not imagine his children being raised by another man.
“I decided to sacrifice and to shelve off my interests to take up this humble responsibility of bringing up Sheila and Kai because I could not let someone else stand in for me,” says Momanyi.
The first Christmas without their mother was stressful. The second holiday had challenges, but by the third, they had bonded and accepted their status quo.
Through trial and error, the father of two has developed strategies that have helped make Christmas a special time for the three of them. The last two holidays were special, unique and filled with memorable Christmas and New Year traditions.
This year’s celebrations have been well planned and executed, and the family is prepared for the festivities. Momanyi says he has adjusted to the fact that the holidays are for his children and not for him.
However, he says, this does not mean that as a single father, you do not have to do everything your ex used to do.
“The most important objective for you as a single dad is to remember that you are raising children who are going to become adults before you realise it, and so you must realise that they are only going to be babies for a few years,” he says, adding what you and your ex will have an impact on the children when they are in their 30s and 40s, and for the rest of their lives.
According to Sylvester Owino, a family coach, single fathers can make the season special for their children despite emotional and financial difficulties.
“Through training and coaching, single fathers can learn to develop strategies for giving children the holiday present they need and will treasure most – a gift of love,” says the coach.
Some of these strategies especially for single fathers who will be parenting through the festive season include:
Planning the holiday celebrations – Divorce, separation, or death can complicate holidays and special events. If the children are old enough to understand, involve them in the preparations well in advance. Plan holiday visits, and get-togethers with the children in mind and be specific not to rush them from one venue to another. Plan with your children’s needs in mind, not yours.
Be realistic about your capabilities. Being a single father means you will find limitations, and you can’t do everything. Prioritise your family’s needs, and explain your decisions to the children.
“It is ok to say you do not have the answers, energies, money, or time off work to take them out on the eve of New Year, for instance, to be with them (children),” says Owino. He advises single fathers to listen to their children on their priorities and you might be surprised by their answers.
Family gatherings – Anticipate potential difficult moments you and your children might face if celebrating the holidays with a larger family. Have a conversation with the children on issues that might affect them while interacting with their larger family.
Ask them how they feel and listen to what they say. Encourage positive reminiscences to enhance the true meaning of the season to build good memories.
Be aware of society – Owino says society is hard on single fathers, whose position society looks at as “catastrophic”, while it views that of a single mother as “accidental”. He also warns single fathers not to expect much from support groups, who will sometimes show open hostility to them, other parents are reluctant to let their children interact with the children of a single father.
“Do trade your children for anything superficial, the wisest decision you can make as you watch your children go through the celebration with such joy, through the many holidays you share with them, and as they transform into young, disciplined, and focused adults right before my eyes,” says the coach.
Old and new family traditions – Healthy families transform. This New Year, take time to talk to your children about new ways to observe the holiday. Remember new traditions build connections and rekindle the sense of commitment you have toward each other.
For example, invest in the tradition of the Christmas tree, and share the traditional Thanksgiving meal (turkey), you will be surprised at the impact these traditions, (they do not have to be expensive), have on the children – one festive season to another.
“I remember the first live Christmas tree we had for my first Christmas as a single dad, all I could afford was a scrawny pine with several missing limbs and a lopsided stem, but I remember the children being overexcited about it,” says Momanyi.
He says the live tree tradition has continued over the festivities with the live tree being larger, and fuller than the previous year. “What more, the children and I still laugh fondly about our first live tree, and others we had after that year, says the father of two.
As your family celebrates the holidays this year, remember that you are creating memories for your children. Make them warm, loving, happy and ones they will want to repeat when they have children!
