Duncan and Esther* are loving parents to two boys and a girl. After living in the city for close to a decade, they relocated to one of Nairobi’s satellite towns where they built a home.
Their desire was for the children to grow up in a quiet atmosphere with lots of space.
One day in January 2019, they noticed some strange behaviour in their pre-teen girl. She was previously the most bubbly of them all but had suddenly become reclusive, preferring to spend most of her free time in her bedroom.
“I thought it was the usual ‘isolation’ children approaching or in their early teens exhibit,” says Duncan. “I knew the isolation would wear off in time.”
It never did.
His wife, Esther, started to suspect that something was amiss with their daughter whenever one of their cousins came visiting. To her horror, Esther learnt that the 21-year-old man had sexually molested her daughter during a visit the previous holiday.
“We were devastated, angry and felt helpless,” says Esther.
“We never saw that coming or imagined a person related to us by blood would do such a horrible thing. She is still healing but there are emotional scars, there is stigma which will linger with her for a long time.”
A report about sexual abuse to one’s child is perhaps the worst news any parent can receive. There is anger at the abuser and perhaps frustration that the child did not disclose such form of abuse earlier. Such a rollercoaster of emotions is normal since a parent’s primary duty is to protect a child from all forms of harm.
According to UNICEF, such predation, especially by someone who ought to protect the child including aid workers, takes many forms with different terms used to describe the resultant act.
Sexual exploitation can refer to “any actual or attempted abuse of a position of vulnerability, differential power, or trust, for sexual purposes, … against the children”.
On the other hand, sexual abuse is the “actual or threatened physical intrusion of a sexual nature, whether by force or under unequal or coercive conditions.” Such acts can escalate to sexual violence.
A 2015 research that included scholars and medical practitioners from Kenya showed that most sexual predators are typically people known to the child.
The research, ‘Perpetrators and Context of Child Sexual Abuse in Kenya’, said that key perpetrators of unwanted sexual touching among young girls were friends and classmates and that both young male and females were likely to encounter such predators while travelling on foot or in their homes.
Ann Keith, a children and teens counselling psychologist with Starise Mentors, says dangers to your children are close to the child than you think; with house helps, cousins, uncles and farmhands among perpetrators. Sadly, there are cases where a parent has predated on a child.
“In a family your guard is down, and you do not suspect anything. We rarely conduct emotional checks on a child unless we see some sudden changes in behaviour or demeanour immediately the child hears the perpetrator’s name being mentioned or is present. The child might say, ‘I do not want to hug him’. Sometimes a parent may force the child to hug the relative, but the child is trying to communicate to you that she is not safe in the current environment, but you are not getting it. Parents must read non-verbal signs of danger,” says Ann.
Ideally, adds Ann, children do not know how to express themselves verbally and may keep quiet the first time they are sexually assaulted, sometimes feeling it was their fault and that perhaps they should have behaved or dressed better.
As for boys who are assumed to be tough, Ann says there have been reports of them coming under predation from house helps, farmhands and others close to or known to them. In the current era where children can access the internet with ease, dangers of online sexual predation have increased, creating another front where parents need to be on guard.
In the developed world, online sexual predation is the first step leading to a child meeting the perpetrator.
According to the Child Crime Prevention and Safety Center, about 500,000 online predators roam the internet in the United States each day, seeking to lure children between the ages of 12 and 15 years who are more susceptible to manipulation by adults they meet online.
“Predators looking to groom children online often visit social media websites that are popular with young people and will pretend to be their age. The adult may try to secure their trust with fake profile pictures, by pretending to share similar interests, by offering gifts to the child or by complimenting the child,” says the organisation.
It adds that once an online relationship has been established, the person will often steer the conversation towards sex and pressure the child to take explicit photos or videos of themselves and send them online.
In extreme cases, an online sexual predator will pressure the child to meet in person.
Expert tips:
How can parents protect their children from such sexual predators? Ann recommends the following five tips:
Be emotionally present: Parents must regularly check on their children. This this can be a challenge for young children in boarding schools who have no daily contact with their parents. “While parents want their children in boarding schools, they come back home behaving differently and you start dealing with a new version of your child. Avoid delegating parenting duties despite your busy schedule. Being present tells the child you care.”
Communicate: Prevent the vice by talking and bonding with your children before the fire breaks out. Be involved in things they love and get to know who their friends are. Let these friends come to your house so that you see them and know who they are.
Supervise “offsite” activities: Having children on unsupervised sleepovers is wrought with dangers. Drugs, alcohol and sexual escapades can find their way there since you cannot control other invitees.
Set a good example: Some parents are party animals and think the children do not see through the chaos of overindulgence, wild dancing and other vices. Help them see what is morally right so that they can tell when a person is about to pull a wrong move. Whatever you are modelling is what they will become.
Control use of electronic gadgets: Supervise children’s use of electronic gadgets and know who their online friends are.
