Total relaxation at Palm Trees Hotel

By Tony Mochama

Malindi — a seaside town of many Italians, far off from Kilindini, occasionally visited by Naomi Campbell in between planes, Milan trains and terrible tantrums.

At the Palm Trees Hotel, just off the main road (adjacent to Casino Malindi) and hidden behind a charming exterior, there are no palms, just touristy-looking couples. Everywhere there is help at hand, starting with the belligerently charming Mr Anderson, dressed in those bland black and white attires that are the badge of hospitality, or servitude in many major hotels in Kenya.

Everyone at the Palm Trees Hotel fondly tries to anticipate your needs, or a tip, by accosting you with charm and infuriating queries of "are you okay?" and "is everything fine?"

And I find myself thinking, if one more pool boy or the mosquito terminator says "bene" to me one more time, however benevolently, I may just react violently. You see, I am not ‘fine’ being italicised, through the Italian-speak, as another beach lad who got lucky, and so can see my own country, courtesy of a white damsel.

Sentimental music

The Palm Trees Hotel is like one of those false film font facades that look finer than they really are at first inspection. The foyer is wide, as is the reception front, the pool is clean and the cottage rooms simpler than they should be for Sh3,400 to Sh5,000 a night.

There is a small fridge, however, and if one brings in their own champagne bottle, you can enjoy it at your own little ground-level patio, complete with moonlight, geckos, exotic Coastal bugs and in the distance, the sounds of a lively disco playing retro-hits, circa 1989.

It’s kind of sentimentally cool to listen to ’Another Day in Paradise’ (Phil Collins), ‘Right Here Waiting’ (Richie Marx), ‘Like A Prayer’ (Madonna), ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ (Bill Joel), and ‘Blame it On The Rain’ by that lip-syncing duo, Milli Vanilli, drifting over the moon sky to one lie strewn strawberries.

Talking strawberries, don’t expect any at Palm Tree’s breakfast buffet, or even omelette — unless you order it. They keep their meals very basic and African, good if you are a big mzungu trying to starve a bit, but a rip-off if you are an African aware that, even here, folk are hungry.

Fun and games

Dinner closes by 9.30pm – maybe because so many of the hotel’s clientele are not exactly young, and if you came here for fun, put that on hold. Even the clichÈ ‘Jambo Bwana’ fake Maasai troupe is not on offer. There’s a large TV, though, with Italian channels and a basic DStv bouquet to quietly watch weekend soccer on… when they can turn it on.

Basically, if you are looking for fun and games, Palm Trees is not the facility for you. But if you just want to chill out completely, doing nothing but resting, eating light and soaking up the sun light as you send your head on a ‘chill vacation,’ then ben — or bene -— make your reservation.