To understand the emotional impact of losing a baby, it is important to recognise that human beings have physical, emotional, spiritual, physiological and cognitive dimensions.
People are more familiar with what they can see physically, but when it comes to emotions — which cannot be seen — it becomes difficult to ascertain their depth and severity.
Joseph Wahothi, a counselling psychologist, says that grieving mothers who lose their babies during delivery or shortly after birth should be allowed more time with their babies to mourn before the body is handed over for burial.
He notes that while this is painful and difficult, it helps mothers come to terms with the reality of the loss.
He explains that the role of counsellors is not to help grieving mothers forget their babies, but to help them healthily remember them, adding that no parent ever forgets having had a child.
The emotions mothers experience weeks and months after the loss include sadness, helplessness, worthlessness, low mood, hopelessness, fear of how they will be perceived by society, blame from spouses, and feelings of failure for not bringing the baby home.
He emphasises the importance of support from partners, family and friends during this period.
“The mother should be allowed to express her feelings and emotions. She may also say, ‘I am not in a position to talk.’ If she says she is not ready to explain what happened, it is important to respect her feelings until she feels comfortable speaking,” he says.
Unfortunately, some people ask questions in search of reasons, often placing blame on the mother. They may ask: Why did you go to that hospital? Why did you see that doctor? Such questions can deepen the pain.
Being present is often what matters most. Simply saying, “I am here for you. You are not alone in this; we are together,” can mean a great deal.
“The spouse has a key role to play by reassuring the mother that death is beyond her control. In life, there are things we can control and others we cannot. In this case, she is not the giver of life. Acknowledge what she did well — carrying the pregnancy and attending clinic visits — and help her understand that it is not her fault,” advises Wahothi.
He cautions against common mistakes people make when offering comfort. Telling a grieving mother that she will have another child, or reminding her that she already has children, is insensitive. Every child is unique and holds a special place in a mother’s life.
Similarly, bringing in comparisons or introducing others who have gone through similar losses can be unhelpful, as each person’s grief is unique.
“It is common for mothers to experience deep internal pain. Grief is what we feel inside, while mourning is how we express it. Expressions such as crying or shouting are signs of grief. However, in some cultures, expressing grief is discouraged, making it even harder for mothers to process their loss,” he says.
Feelings of guilt, shame and fear are also common. Mothers may struggle with how to tell their other children about the loss, worry about whether they will have more children, or question what they did wrong. They may also fear how they will be perceived by society, their spouses and their families.
Women who lose a baby — or even a pregnancy — rarely forget the loss, as it represents a life that was anticipated and deeply valued.
Professional mental health support
“Every mother who loses a baby deserves counselling and support from someone who will not judge them, someone who understands and walks with them through the journey, helping them distinguish what they can control and what they cannot,” he says.
How does this loss differ from other grief?
“Children remember those they played with, while adults remember those they knew. In this case, the baby may not have been known to others, especially if the loss occurs during delivery. However, the mother has been communicating and bonding with the baby throughout the pregnancy, which is why she often bears the greatest emotional burden,” he emphasises.
