A Kenyan driver’s checklist

By Tony Ngare

Any careful driver will tell you that prior to starting a journey you must have a checklist of a few items. These are the things that you must ensure are intact before you zoom off. Ordinarily, most drivers worldwide check the tyres for any punctures and the fuel gauge for the petrol situation. If these two are not giving any alarming information, you are good to go. However, a Kenyan driver must have a longer checklist just to survive the rigours of driving on Kenyan roads.

Jack

This piece of equipment is of absolute necessity. I have heard someone claim that since his tyres were brand new, he could throw away the jack. You and I know that Kenyan roads are as merciless as land mines and every metre you cover without suffering a puncture is by sheer miracle. Therefore, whether you are in a Vitz or a Prado, having a jack on a safari is as important as a jembe is to a farmer.

Loose cash

Let’s not kid ourselves here people. Unless you are driving out of the showroom, it’s unlikely that your car will not have a small defect here or there. Such defects can quickly come to the notice of traffic police. Should the watumishi kwa wote seek to charge you for that small defect you have two choices.

You can either ask him to save your time by writing the charge sheet quickly or you can ask him to save your time and his by picking up the Sh100 note you have dropped on the tarmac. Unless your upcountry home is in the neighbourhood of Kangemi or Githurai you are most likely to contend with 10 or so roadblocks hence the need to have loose cash.

Hard cash

Now, with utmost respect to the police force, the hard cash is not for the police. This is for far more serious scenarios that you cannot talk your way out of. Suppose you hit someone’s car? You would need to revert to the insurer or sort out matters ‘at the grassroots level’. You and me know that when it comes to sorting out one’s problems, legal tender comes in handy.

An empty jerry can

A friend, a big shot pilot, was once rushing to Kiambu to donate blood to a relative. Like many moneyed people, he has a thing for old cars. This captain enjoyed driving a battered jalopy since, according to him, he could park the car at the airport for days without a worry in the world.

Needless to say, the fuel gauge of the jalopy was malfunctioning and due to the pressure of worrying about reaching Kiambu in good time, the good captain forgot to fuel the car. It coughed and ground to a halt just next to the turn off to Windsor and the jerry can came in handy. It’s a good thing he is not entrusted with fuelling those far-west bound airbuses.

A Somali sword, Maasai whip or hockey stick

Despite the reassurances from the good professor of mathematics, you and I know that insecurity in this country is near omnipresent. This is the reason we have resorted to building high walls around our homes despite the burglar-proof steel doors. Naturally, it calls on each one of us to take up some defence options when in transit.

My good mechanic Kinyajui carries a hockey stick while my neighbour always carries a crow bar.

Not everyone can be issued with the reassuring ‘chicken leg’ piece of lethal metal. As such most of us have to contend with the Somali swords, hockey sticks and whips to protect ourselves.

Clean boot

It’s imperative to keep your car boot clean and empty, since you neither know the day nor the hour that you will be required to ride in it when you are carjacked. Even if the ride may be a short one, a little comfort will make your terrifying experience a bit more bearable.

A separate handset

Some people have argued that a separate handset can be critical in the event when you are carjacked in the dead of the night by our friends.

But I have always argued that it’s far much safer to cooperate than try to outwit them. A separate handset only works when the gangsters have not frisked their victims. Personally I would rather have a clean boot than a second handset any time!

— tonyngare@eastandard.net