Lydia Kanini recalls a challenging childhood marked by parental hostility and harsh treatment. She and her siblings—two boys and three girls—often felt like they were walking on eggshells, constantly trying to please their parents without success.
As the second-born, Kanini says, “We grew up in a combat-like environment with our parents calling us unprintable names whenever we failed to meet their expectations. The only time we ‘felt at home’ was when we visited our aunt and uncle.”
They always looked forward to visiting their “cool Musaimos” family, as they fondly referred to their aunt and uncle. Eventually, they learned to cope with the frequent name-calling. Kanini recalls an incident when her brother nearly attempted suicide after their father repeatedly referred to him as "an old ape" whenever he made a mistake.
“It’s like our parents never cared about the shaming language they used to discipline us. Even when we were on their ‘good side,’ they still used negative references,” Kanini reflects.
According to family counsellor Lisa Wanjiru, even with the best intentions, parents can unintentionally cause emotional harm to a child.
“Shaming, whether intentional or not, and especially through repeated experiences, can have long-lasting effects on a child's self-esteem and emotional well-being,” Wanjiro says. She adds that such practices can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety in children.
Here are some common parenting behaviours that may unintentionally shame children, along with constructive ways to address these actions:
1. Using Negative Language
Wanjiru notes that the words parents use when addressing their children can have a lasting impact. Phrases like “You act like an old ape,” “You’re so lazy,” or “Why can’t you be like our neighbour’s son?” can lead children to internalize a negative self-image.
“Negative labelling can cause children to believe these descriptors as truths, which hinders their personal growth and self-worth,” she says. Instead, she recommends focusing on the behaviour, not the child, when addressing issues. For example, rather than saying, “You’re so messy,” a parent could say, “Let’s work together to keep your room clean.”
2. Comparing Your Child to Others
One harmful behaviour parents often engage in is comparing their children to others—whether a classmate, sibling, or friend’s child. These comparisons can make children feel inadequate.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that children frequently compared to others by their parents are more likely to develop low self-esteem and social anxiety. Wanjiru advises parents to focus on their child's unique strengths and encourage them to achieve their personal best, avoiding harmful comparisons altogether.
3. Reprimanding Your Child in Public
Family therapist Charles Mutiga emphasizes that if a child has made a mistake, the right approach is to correct them privately.
“Publicly reprimanding a child, whether in front of family, friends, or strangers, can deeply humiliate them. Children corrected in public may experience shame and embarrassment, which can harm their self-confidence,” says Mutiga. Repeated public reprimands can also lead to social anxiety and withdrawal, as children may become overly concerned about how others perceive them.
4. Ignoring Their Emotions
Many parents may not realize the intensity of children’s emotions. Mutiga explains that dismissing or invalidating these feelings can make children feel ashamed of their emotions.
“Studies in child psychology have shown that children who feel their emotions are not valued by their parents are more likely to suppress them, leading to emotional and behavioural issues during adolescence,” he says. Instead of brushing off their feelings, parents should acknowledge and validate their children’s emotions, showing empathy and understanding.
5. Manipulating Guilt
Wanjiru notes that while guilt can be a powerful motivator, it can also be damaging when parents use it to influence their children’s behaviour. Statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” can make children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, causing guilt and shame.
Children who are frequently guilt-tripped may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and a distorted sense of responsibility for others' feelings. Instead, Wanjiru recommends that parents communicate openly about their feelings and encourage their children to express their feelings as well, fostering a healthy emotional exchange.
6. Loving Them with Conditions
Mutiga stresses that children need to feel loved unconditionally. When love is perceived as conditional—only given when children achieve something or behave in a certain way—it can create deep feelings of shame and insecurity.
“Children who feel they must earn their parents’ love are more likely to develop anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies, constantly striving to meet expectations just to feel worthy of love,” he explains. Mutiga advises parents to demonstrate unconditional love, regardless of their children’s successes or failures, helping to build a secure emotional foundation.
By being mindful of these behaviours and adopting a more empathetic, constructive approach, parents can create a healthier emotional environment for their children, allowing them to grow with confidence and self-worth.
