Avoid bungee jumping without a cord, the wild parties have began

By GRACE NAKATO

KENYA: Yesterday was World Aids day and as always, there were those who commemorated the day, and others who celebrated it.

Statistics in Uganda show that for every three strides we make forward, we take two backwards. The public mind set lies somewhere between an Ostrich with its head in the sand, and bungee jumping without a cord. And this is why HIV prevalence rates are up by one per cent, from 6.4 per cent to 7.3 per cent.

Kampala is the entertainment epicentre of Uganda. The ozone layer above Kampala is the most eroded in the whole world thus causing us to suffer from broiled brain disease. This phenomenon is greatly manifest this Christmas where our focus is not a “white Christmas” full of food, fun and friends but one full of decadence and debauchery.

First, we have the rumoured Kampala Orgy Night whose only caveat is “please don’t register if you can’t afford”. I wonder will there be free testing at the entrance, because I doubt condoms are on the menu. The show starts at the stroke of midnight with host Julia Ann. She is an X-rated Critics Organisation (XRCO) Hall of Fame member and Adult Video News (AVN) Hall of Fame member. Oh yes, the Adult Entertainment Industry also has their way of recognising distinguished thespians!

Adult entertainment

The XRCO Hall of Fame was the first organisation to recognise and award the most notable works and workers in Adult Entertainment. The AVN Hall of Fame honours the legends of the adult entertainment industry. The night will be sure to pack a punch with such a double-barreled act leading the revelry.

The VIPs will pay Sh9,000 to watch the show and get a bonus of two girls, the VVIPs get a private room and three girls. And for an unspecified amount, the studs can get a session with the star and immortality on her website where she will upload the video. Will Uganda Revenue Authority (URA) be collecting tax from the organisers? Why isn’t Julia on the Immigration watch list as a person of interest? She is after all, aiding and abetting human trafficking or do you imagine the bonus girls are getting paid their worth? Is prostitution therefore legal?

At Club Venom, a Sushi Party has been planned. The feast shall be served up on bikini-clad babes who will be lying on tables all over the club. I hope the girls know what they have signed up for — fish pong and pinches. When your daughter, roommate or girlfriend comes home smelling of fish this December, they have not taken up fish farming as a side hustle, they have literally been hustling!

The Sushi Party girls should team up with a certain company offering “Bikini Car Washers” for your hire. This bevy of bootylicious hotties wash the cars as they do a strip tease for the car owners. Rumour has it the car wash rate is Sh5,000 a pop and does not include touching. I hope the girls come with bouncers for protection. In my book, a secluded gated location, loud music, soapy soupy (Ugandan slang for well-endowed) girls and men with money to burn are the makings of ready-to-eat-take-out where the girls are the main dish.

Have a safe holiday. If you cannot abstain, get tested and please avoid bungee jumping without a cord!