By Ted Malanda
I have it on the authority of the media that President Goodluck Jonathan and our very own Rais Uhuru sent a stern warning to criminals.
The two were in Lagos, engaging in what is referred to in diplomatic circles as ‘a little tete a tete ‘over yam foo foo and breaking of the proverbial kola to enhance mutual relations between our two friendly nationals. President Uhuru was even photographed in an agbada, which I suspect the First Lady later stuffed in a dust bin.
Yet our two friendly nations have been behaving in a most unfriendly manner recently. It began when the son of Jomo deported his muthoniwa (brother-in-law) Antony Chinedu, a man whose goats we roasted in exchange for the hand of a dark, light-skinned, beautiful lass from the lake.
But that was before a dark Samia warrior called Wanjala, who was born and bred inches from the same lake, stuck a fish bone in the nuptial works.
Jonathan responded to the deportation by confiscating our aircraft — and a retinue of civil servants — who had taken Chinedu to, in the words of President Uhuru, “do those things in his own country.”
When it became apparent that our boys were virtual hostages, we assumed Presidents Uhuru and Jonathan would text each other and sort out the matter. But the circus played out for weeks, with Chinedu sticking out his neck now and then to scoff nyef nyef.
Presidents are interesting people. They don’t speak to each other directly. So the son of Jomo calls an aide and thunders, “Call their ambassador and tell him to tell his Foreign Affairs minister to tell Goodluck that I have said Chinedu should go and do those things there. Nkt.”
President Jonathan goes hopping mad when he hears what Rais Uhuru said. His chest heaving with fury, he orders his Foreign Affairs minister to summon the Kenyan ambassador and tell him to tell Kenya’s Cabinet Secretary for Foreign Affairs to tell Rais Uhuru, “Nye nye nye.”
And just when we are beginning to worry that our respective armies might resort to exchanging fire over Chinedu, rumours emerge that President Uhuru is headed to Lagos to break kola with his brother, Goodluck.
A red carpet is spread out, the Nigerian army salutes our chief, and the discussions between our two, now very friendly, nations begin. Next thing you know, the two presidents are jointly issuing a stern warning to criminals. Long live the African Union!
But even before they are done wiping their lips, rumours emerge that Chinedu has sneaked back into Kenya through Malaba on a false passport, and that another Nigerian has opened a brothel in South C in Nairobi. Wah!
Now, if you thought only the Nigerian criminals are not quaking in their boots, rumours from Baragoi, where 50 police officers were slaughtered like chicken last year, will make you sit upright.
A week after the government issued a two-week ultimatum to raiders to surrender illegal firearms, not one bastola has been surrendered. Not one. He! he! he!
