Nine out of 10 times your pastor says they have heard from, or seen, The Lord, consider the use of more than just a pinch of salt in that statement.
Often, owing to the rather stable and low cost of salt, they might just have emptied all they owned into such a claim, knowing full well that the offertory you will then give is enough to replenish such depleted stores.
I have heard Harold use that line in church, a man who is blind as a bat when drunk claiming to have seen The Lord.
At such times, when he falls asleep, you would attach explosives to his earlobes and set them off and he would hear nothing. But to his congregation, he has heard His voice.
Some pastors could be genuine. Harold is certainly not one of those. Sometime last year, ahead of the elections, Paul, Githendu and I devised a plan.
We needed to find a way to ensure Harold was not going to run for the top seat. I knew just how invested he was, but we had a real test of his faith planned.
Now we all know that Githendu can neither read nor write. He dropped out of school in standard one when he landed his first job, mole catching, and later developed other key skills such as tree climbing, which kept him scaling his career ladder.
Paul and I drafted a letter that should have come from heaven, P.O. Box Sayuni, and which should have been sent by Peter, or Saint Paul, though at the death we decided to write Angel Goliath to test Harold's understanding of The Word.
Githendu then copied the letter word for word and we stuck it in a small gap in the ceiling above my uncle's bed.
Thus went the letter:
"To Harold, a priest we dearly love from above here (space, literally), I, Angel Goliath, have been asked to write to you on behalf of the council as Angel Scott is down with the flu. We gather you intend to run for office in the upcoming elections. We will be short and clear.
- We did not like your behaviour as a leader in your just concluded term and, therefore;
- We will ask you not to run and if you defy, you will lose and your ministry will suffer troubled moments.
With gratitude, Divine Post."
I remember Harold retrieving the letter, reading it silently, rereading it and then shakily placing it in a drawer. It was an unfamiliar, divine handwriting. He was withdrawn and avoided Sue's for three days but seemed to overcome the fear soon enough to continue drinking and campaigning.
He never told me about the letter. But last Sunday, Harold told the faithful that he had heard from God, where He asked him to refrain from running for election, but that he defied Him and therefore he lost the elections to Sue. Paul and I sat giggling.
Sometimes when things do not go well for Harold, I blame Githendu, Paul and myself for our damning prophecy. Or Angel Goliath and his battalion, who convinced Harold he can hear from, or see The Lord.
