Educating your lover is a horrible idea

A few weeks ago, Kenyans were treated to the moving story of Stanley Silingi, a man from Kisumu, whose “wife” Phoebe allegedly “ate” his Sh620,00 and then left him.
Not only had his money not been going to Phoebe’s higher education, she was also leaving him for a doctor. Silingi’s pain was captured and shared, quickly going viral.

This story true or not, has sparked debate on social media and beyond, begging the question of whether it wise to pay fees for a spouse? At the heart of the issue is the idea that men support women only when expecting something in return for what is essentially an investment. He helps elevate that woman with the understanding that she will then pour it back into their family. It is true that men are not always sinister in their intentions.

Judy Nyawira, a business graduate who works for a mobile lending startup, has been with her boyfriend since they finished high school. While he joined campus immediately, she was held back by financial challenges. When she finally joined university, it was on a parallel programme, and her family struggled to get her in. “My boyfriend stepped up,” she says. “He had been doing odd jobs in campus, and businesses here and there. I never asked him to. He always told me he was helping out just like my family was. I never felt like he expected anything in return,” she says.

The fact of marriage did not come up until they were both out of school and employed. And even that was a natural progression of the relationship they had always had.
“He supported me and I supported him. When I was able, I took care of the bills, and when he was in a better position, he did. We got into the habit from when we were young, so it has been easy to continue like that. We are partners,” she adds.

Understandably, however, Nyawira’s case may be the exception. A lot of men still feel entitled to a woman by virtue of them having provided for her during a vulnerable period in her life. It would explain the reactions to Silingi’s plight, and the vitriol against Phoebe. Benjamin Zulu, the celebrated relationship coach and counselling psychologist, describes this behaviour as predatory.

“This is a very young woman whose brain is not fully developed,” he says. “She is not thinking of marriage. Maybe she wants to use that man to advance, get where she wants to and then she leaves. 
“Women are crafty. As a man, do not lure young women with the promise of marriage. Find a woman who is ready for marriage, who is looking for a husband. Don’t coerce a girl with promises of taking care of her.”

It is also true that there are just as many stories of women coming through for their partners, supporting them in difficult periods and helping them achieve success. 
Behind every successful man is a woman, as they say. A good example is the story shared by Africa’s fastest man, Ferdinand Omanyala, of how he had to lean on his girlfriend when times got tough, and how her support was invaluable as he trained.

“She was paying the rent, taking care of the bills because she was working,” he said. 
Omanyala was speaking at an event where he was being presented with a new car. “She would bring the money to the table and say this is for training, rent and food,” the athlete said.

After he made it, Omanyala wanted to repay the love. “I now want to take care of her. She will get anything she wants.”
Similarly, there are stories of women whose fingers get burned by the men they support; spending money on them, then getting dumped as soon as the man levels up. So, should men and women keep finances completely out of their relationships?

Dr Karatu Kiemo, a Sociology Expert at the University of Nairobi, says the benefit of funding a partner can strengthen the relationship as it could indicate the values of care and concern, although it is not a guarantee of relationship stability.
“Human action can be instrumental, meaning the actor desires something in return for help, or it can be deontological, meaning helping for helping’s sake,” Kiemo told The Nairobian in an interview.

“Relationships are usually deontological in the beginning (honeymoon) but navigating everyday life is instrumental (helping in the expectation that the relationship will work),” he added.

He said that with growth as a result of getting tertiary education knowledge, it is highly likely that one will outgrow the other.
“And then that’s when trouble begins, where the funder feels used or manipulated. Some challenges of funding are that it is not quantifiable nor reversible. 
“For example, you fund a partner’s education, they get upward job and social mobility; and that could be a reason for leaving you,” the lecturer said.
According to Dr Kiemo, in such a situation, when a relationship fails, one would feel used and that could certainly be a contributor to partner violence.
“In Kenya today, men fund their women more, and women get more victimisation. But there are also many women with means to fund their male partners. 
“Funding shouldn’t be instrumental. If it has no strings attached, it is easier to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, most intimate partner funding is instrumental,” he noted.

Taking up a parent’s role is equivalent to buying love: Psychologist

Women support men financially too, says Caroline Oreng’, a counsellor and psychologist at Sage Counselling. We just don’t hear about it as often because such women are judged harshly by society.

“We are very judgemental of a woman who comes out and says she is supporting a man financially. So even those who get fleeced don’t share their stories.
“Healthy dynamics do exist. I have seen women put their men through post-graduate studies, and then when they were done, those men supported them in return. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Mutually beneficial,” Caroline says.

Because of how complicated things can get for a couple when finances are involved, Caroline advises young people not to spend money on each other unless they have been married for at least five years.

“I would not recommend paying fees for someone you’re not married to for at least five years. And that support should be pegged on the value it adds to your marriage and your family. Are you getting a degree just for the status? Or is it geared towards providing a better life for you and your children?
“If you’re only dating, then don’t take up a parent’s role. It’s equivalent to buying love. That person won’t say no to support, even if they don’t want to be with you,” she says.
In the event your partner meets someone else and leaves you, it is unfair to hold it against them.
“A very small percentage of the women who are supported will stay with the guy. A lot of them finish school and go their own way. You cannot blame them for meeting other people or finding more suitable spouses. 
“She was probably a young girl who had not explored to even figure out what she likes. Then she goes to this new setting where she finds people she relates to, who speak her language. Don’t fault her for it,” she says.