Your judgements are a true reflection of your insecurity

Nearly a week ago, a brave young Kenyan woman came out to the world.

On a phenomenally popular platform, she told the world she was gay; that she loved women and not men; and that she was happy with who she was and nothing was going to stop her from living her truth. I watched the clip, fascinated by her articulate manner, but more so her bravery. Her undeniable presence and the way her face sparkled as she told her story, pausing intermittently to let the weight of her words sink into the minds of her audience, was novel, to say the least.

She told of how she had had to battle hate and vitriol from the public; strangers who were happy to comment on her life. And how the church, the one place she expected love, churned her. Surprised about that? I am not; but I digress.

After the 16-minute flick went up, bloggers were not too far behind. Any comment section where the clip was disseminated came alive. There were people praying for her deliverance from hell. Others thought she was crazy. But surprisingly, there was a number of people who were, like me, in awe.

Fact is, Kenya is a country that plays at being conservative. It is a society where you can ‘sin’ provided it remains in secret. One where abortion is legally condemned, but allowed to happen in secret. Where men can marry many wives, but a woman will be publicly shamed for giving in to such impulses. And when it comes to sexuality, if it isn’t what society expects, keep it to yourself. Why? Because society is waiting to condemn you for blowing up the perceived order of things.

But here is some truth. Your judgements reveal your greatest insecurities, ask any psychologist or therapist. If I could ask you what part of your character you could stand to improve, chances are you would stutter for a bit; unsure about your answer. Well, you would be in good company. A large percentage of humanity is not very self-aware. Many of us don’t know who we are and what we stand for, because we go with whatever society dictates. If it says bread should be shunned, then you ditch the bread. We do not think for ourselves. But there is a way to know your greatest weakness. It is the one thing you judge people so much about. Your judgements reveal your greatest insecurities. And if you were to be honest with yourself, you would learn a few things about who you are from the judgements about other people that you make.

Let’s examine a few examples:

“Who does she think she is snubbing people while walking around in her tight dresses? Why can’t she be like other women.” (Translation: I wish I was as confident and self-assured as she is. And I am insecure about the fact that I am not.”

“Why can’t he do a better job? His reports on the projects he does are badly written and paint a poor picture of his expertise?” (Translation: I don’t feel as great about my competence as a (insert profession) and I feel better ragging on someone who appears to be struggling even more than I am.”

“Why can’t she keep her sex life private? We don’t need to know what she does in the privacy of her bedroom.” (Translation: I wish I could have the courage to live as freely as she does.)

That said, we are all prone to making judgements about people. But maybe, before giving in to the judge voice, you could pause for a minute and realise two things. One, not everyone can be like you, and can you possibly imagine how boring it would be if we all looked, and acted the same way? With this in mind, accept that we are meant to be different. And if their actions don’t hurt or put anyone in danger, then maybe you should stop splitting hairs?

Secondly, realise that you don’t know the full story. Instead, be curious. When you see someone acting in a way you cannot understand, before rushing to judge them, ask yourself what it is that could be possibly going on in their lives to make them act the way they do. And if you can’t ask them that question directly, consider it business that isn’t yours to mind.

Again, thanks to karmic justice, people judge you just as much as you judge them. Wouldn’t you want to be judged with some compassion?