If the human race goes extinct, it will be good riddance

Nothing, it seems, attracts many women to a man than ill-gotten wealth. Haven’t you noticed how every corrupt Kenyan man, drug dealer, or purveyor of fake money and gold scams tends to be a polygamist with a string of pretty mistresses and a football team of wild oats?

From the moment a man is born, he is driven by the urge to mate and procreate. It is this urge that drives some men to steal elections, national exams, and public funds and land so that they can attract repositories for their warped genes. Such men are so hooked on leaving crooked offspring behind that they will even kill other men who politely offer to assist their wives to improve the genetic pool in their households.  

Well, this is about to end.

According to a scientific study published elsewhere in this newspaper, the human male sperm count is not just declining, but the human male organ is shrinking in size as well, which means that by 2044, even those who wish to fire blanks will have no guns to fire with. In sum, no new babies will be born.

As a result, Kenyan women who have been shackled to the proceeds of sleaze will break out in song and dance, shaking their bits to the timeless Luhya dirge, Luwere (it is over). Never again will they have to suffer the foul breath of the corrupt because the sinewy gym instructor will be of no use since all men will be equal, nguvu za kiume from witchdoctors notwithstanding.  

There are those who will swear that no mzungu has been walking around measuring toolboxes and counting the number of tadpoles fired during promulgation of domestic constitutions. Other naysayers will dismiss the research, saying the mzungu has simply been talking to Kenyan women who swear that, barring their brothers, fathers, and sons, men are “useless”.

But I want to believe that these research findings are true and that in a couple of decades, men will be admiring women with the enthusiasm of a domestic tourist gazing at a peacock. Pretty as hell, but it doesn’t lay eggs and you can’t eat it or do anything with it. What a time to be alive! Indeed if God was bribable, I would gift him a few shekels so that I can be alive when the total emancipation of man rolls out.

The moment all-male promulgation instruments are neutered, the rat race will end. There will be no corruption, jealousy, heartaches, weddings, break-ups, and divorces. Finally, man will be free to do what he was born to do – hunt down squirrels and forage for wild fruits then recline in the shade to sip honey beer and sing coarse songs.

Then again, it would be nice to disband the human race. That little thing the researchers are talking about isn’t the only one shrinking. While we are growing fatter and lazier, our brains are becoming smaller with each passing decade as is evident in the quality of our professions, politics, religion, driving, and arguments on social media.

We are regressing as a race. Thousands of years after our ancestors discovered fire, we have taken to eating raw meat, eggs, and vegetables. Today, we love wild animals to the extent that there are people who keep snakes, hyenas, and all manner of stinky beasts in their flats. We are petting chicken and goats instead of eating them and bequeathing millions of shillings to cats and dogs in our wills while human beings starve.

We are exposing wild animals to family planning, tattooing every inch of our bodies, sticking rings in every imaginable place, surgically altering how we look, and, for Africans, swallowing all manner of things to lighten our skins. And what is it with the crazy drinking and snorting of bhang?

Our world is becoming increasingly weird – defiling kids, conducting very strange experiments in bed, slaughtering each other for tin gods and heavenly Gods. It is madness. I suspect that the flies, roaches, and mosquitoes in our houses look at us and wonder where the hell we came from.

If our sperm count is on a nosedive, it would mean that God is finally pissed off with that Barabbas incident and is saying, “To hell with you!