Tricks new breed of shameless men use to live in women’s houses

There was a time, not too long ago, when moving into a woman’s house was considered taboo. Men were advised to avoid this state of affairs at all costs - they were even forgiven if they chose to beg, borrow or steal - as long as they owned the house they lived in. How things have changed! Some say that changes in the value systems and economic times have led men to drop their sense of pride and shame. To make matters worse, there are men who have turned the art of moving in with women into a career. They are not content to become squatters in one woman’s residence - they prefer to move from house to house as the spirit and needs move them.

This phenomenon has become so commonplace that some smart lady came up with a name for such men; Hobosexuals. For those who are hearing this word for the first time, a hobosexual is a man who dates a woman (and on many cases women) with the sole intention of finding a place to live. This man uses romance to have a roof over his head.  There are some doubting Thomases who might like to say that such men do not exist, but I am here to tell you that they do and they are increasing by the day. So today I want to share a few tricks from the hobosexuals handbook:

1.  Identify the right target: Homosexuals do not just go for any woman - they go for specific women, those who exhibit certain vulnerabilities and who can give them what they are looking for. Single successful women are top on their list, though success is determined by the needs and ambitions of the hobosexual in question. Some of these men operate at the bottom of the food chain where they consider a woman in a bedsitter successful. Others have middle class ambitions, where they only settle for a flat in certain neighbourhoods, and others will only budge for a house and a garden in the leafy suburbs. These men also go for ‘needy’ single women - those ones who seem too desperate and eager to be in a relationship. These women are easy to spot; they are likely to change their social media status to “in a relationship” by the second week of dating. These women are also not shy about taking their new man out to their pals and introducing him as ‘boyfriend’ or ‘significant other”even before the said man has done anything significant. Hobosexuals also like to prey on single women who are super busy because they will not have the time to conduct thorough background checks or to cross check stories - they are easy to fool.

2.  Testing the waters: Once the target has been identified what follows is the test-the-waters plan. It usually is a seemingly harmless ‘crash at your place’ request that usually follows after a night out. All the hobosexual needs to do is to gauge how agreeable the target woman is to not only his spending the night but also the morning after. If he notices that the woman wants him out of her house by sunrise, then he knows he will have to try his luck elsewhere. If he notices that she does not seem to mind him spending the entire weekend in her house, then all he needs to do is work on moving in permanently.

3.   Creating the right sob story: Choosing the life of a hobosexual means using the right sob story to gain admittance into the target woman’s house (or women’s houses). Successful hobosexuals have what is called the perfect ‘in between’ story. They like to say that they are ‘in between’ relationships, jobs or destinations. Some will say that they are in between relationships that did not work (usually through no fault of their own). Some will say that they are in between jobs or towns (and they will blame a bad boss or tough economy). Some are so creative that they will even create fictional family tragedies and drama so that their target takes mercy upon them and offer to provide them with ‘temporary’ accommodation. Successful sobs stories are those that are easy to believe but hard to verify, for example diaspora returnee, raised in orphanage stories. The right story told to the right target will lead to success.

4.  Providing a unique benefit to the target woman: For the hobosexual’s strategy to work, he must provide the woman with a benefit that she really needs, or cannot have enough of. Some women like to have shrinks for partners - the type that listens to all their woes and issues. Other women like to have handy men - those who know how fix all the broken taps and plumbing in the house. Others like carnal men - the ones who make them dizzy with bedroom pleasure. The hobosexual must provide the woman with what she needs as long as he intends to be in her house. He must provide this need to the best of his ability and must meet the woman’ expectations, for the day he fails to do so, he will be kicked to the curb.

5.  Always keep an eye out for the limited shelf-life: Hobosexuals must always know that their days are numbered, that is only a matter of time before they are seen for what they truly are - free loaders. It is therefore up to them to fully enjoy the fruits of their labour while keeping their eyes wide open for the next opportunity. This might mean using any funds from the target woman to move to their own residence in the near future. It might mean identifying their next victim and weaving their next sob story while never forgetting that they are one heartbeat away from homelessness.     

-njokikaigai1@gmail.com