Ten lies dished out by Kenyan debtors

Kenyans will sob, wail, beg, kneel and even swear by their mother’s petticoats when borrowing money but come due dates for paying and they start playing hide and seek with creditors. Their phones mysteriously fall in water, there is no network or they didn’t see your calls. They then come up with all manner of excuses like the 10 below which are mostly dished out on phone…  

1. I can’t pick calls now

Once a local debtor establishes that it’s a creditor on the other end, they issue profuse excuses including promises to call later since “I can’t pick calls now” yet they have already picked. Call 10 minutes later and they’ll be mteja for a month.

2. Phone is charging

There are these guys who, each time they hear the voice of their debtor, pretend that the phone is charging at a kinyozi and the owner will be informed when they return to pick it since “I am only a barber here.”  In reality, the speaker is the actual owner skiving paying debt.

3.  I am driving

This is from someone who has no wheelbarrow to his name. But will say that I could be in problems since there is a traffic cop “looking at me badly” and cut the call before switching off the phone.   

4. Niko meeting kiasi

These meetings are normally endless since the debtors are mostly meeting themselves to hide from the debtor  For some of these guys, the last meeting they attended was a chief’s baraza in the village when Kibaki was still Finance Minister!

5. I can’t hear you!

Some folks issue excuses of not hearing well from the other end especially if they receive the call at a bus stop or market where buses are hooting and banana hawkers angling for clients. They then cut the phone with promises of “nitakupigia baadaye” which never comes.

6. Hakuna network

Just like number 4 above, these debtors pretend there is a network problem when voices from both ends are clear enough. “Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo, I think your network is poor, can you move where there is network so that we can understand each other clearly”, they demand before hanging up…for another month. 

7.  Niko kesha

Kenyans fear interfering with prayers lest they go to hell.  So, the best way of ensuring a creditor stops being a bother is lying about being in a kesha, they could be at the farthest corner of a sheeben where they’re drowning second generation liquor.  

8. I am in a matatu

Creditors love it when called while in a matatu playing loud music. It is the perfect situation to tell you “ngoja nikupigie nikishuka” but after that put their phones on flight mode!   

9.  I am in a noisy place

Despite the creditor alleging to be in a noisy place, the voice is a clear as that of Uhuru promising to deal with corruption. There is   high probability the person could be placing soccer bets at the time.  

10. Wrong number!

This is the most absurd excuse where the creditor is told he/she has called a wrong number forcing them to stare back at their phone books in disbelief! They will call again and the creditor will pick but deny being the Mwangi the creditor is looking for. A third call results in a string of choice matusi which discourages the creditor from more calls. It is a strategy that works like magic.