Are we too different for this to work out?

Hi Chris!

I’m definitely the sort of person who loves big social events, noisy conversations and loud music. But my husband’s just the opposite. He’s very quiet, actually likes being alone (which I hate!!), hates small talk, and would rather read a book than socialise. And though I love him to bits, and he’s wonderful when it’s just him and me, I will admit that all that his lack of social skills is beginning to get to me. Like I can’t remember the last time we went out to a party together.

Is there some way I can get him to loosen up?

Frustrated Party Animal.

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Hi Frustrated Party Animal!

Your husband sounds like a typical introvert. There are lots of them around, and they’re among the most misunderstood groups in society. Because modern life favours extroverts. Teamwork, people skills, action, risk-taking and certainty are admired more than thought, contemplation or caution. We think talkers are smarter, more competent and appealing than quiet guys.

Yet some of the greatest people who’ve ever lived were introverts. Great scientists and writers, like Darwin, Einstein, and J K Rowling, who’ve made big contributions to our world.

You, on the other hand are a typical extrovert! And it’s very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert. Like you probably can’t imagine why your husband would want to be quiet, or to just sit and think.

Introverts aren’t only misunderstood these days, they’re also sidelined. Because extroverts tend to dominate politics, business and social life. Which means that they tend to set our expectations of what’s normal and desirable. So these days, being outgoing is considered a mark of happiness, confidence and leadership. To be described as a ‘people person’ is a compliment. While introverts are described as reserved, quiet, self-contained and private. None of which sound flattering, do they?!

People tend to think introverts are arrogant. Their lack of small talk is often taken for snobbery. But actually they’re often very intelligent, thoughtful, independent, sensible and sensitive people.

So, I’m not surprised that you love your husband to bits! But you can’t change him. Being an introvert’s part of his personality. And fixed for life. And it isn’t that he lacks social skills. He just prefers being quiet. So remember that his way of looking at the world was what attracted you towards him in the first place. Enjoy all his strengths, like how nice he is when you two are alone together.

And maybe help him fit in with your interests just a little more. Like get him to come to a social event with you for just one hour. Let him make an appearance, have a quick drink, and chat to just a few people there. Before slipping off home, and leaving you to party into the night…

All the best.

Hi Chris!

All my life I’ve been shy. I’m especially nervous around important people, like my boss. And girls of course. Classes at university were a nightmare. Even today, in my mid thirties, I still struggle at parties and in meetings at work. And I despair of ever finding someone to marry.

Is there any hope for me at all?

Shy Guy

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Hi Shy Guy! 

Lots of people are shy. But these days it’s unfashionable - as is being an introvert. They’re not the same thing, by the way. If you’re shy you’re anxious about social situations. Introverts simply prefer peace and quiet. But eventually they both marry and have children. It just takes them longer.

You probably focus on your shortcomings, and are a bit of a social perfectionist. Feel everyone’s evaluating you so you must be word perfect. Worry about introductions and developing relationships. But once you do get into an intimate relationship, you’ll be fine. Shyness is never a problem when you’re close.

But first you have to develop your social skills. Most of us pick them up as youngsters. So if you’re shy, maybe that didn’t go well. Perhaps your parents were overprotective. Or you had few opportunities to socialise.

Start by accepting that you aren’t great at socialising - yet. So instead of worrying about taking part in a conversation, plan ahead to have something to say. Think of questions to ask. Practise simple, friendly sentences with shopkeepers.

Popular people expect others to respond positively. So do the same! Become a good listener, and be genuinely interested in other people. Because if you focus on others, you’ll find that your shyness no longer bothers you. And people love being asked about themselves! Learn to enter conversations gracefully, feeling your way into the topic and looking for the right opening. By asking an open ended question perhaps, or maybe developing someone else’s remark.

Learn how to handle failure. Everyone gets rejected sometimes, so don’t blame yourself. Learn from every failure so you make a better go of it next time.

And work on your sense of humour. It is worth its weight in gold. Seeing the funny side of everything’s a sure way to be liked.

It’s not easy. A bit like learning another language as an adult. You’ve got to consciously learn all the skills others picked up as kids. But you’re in good company. Because most people are a lot shyer than they’re willing to admit, and constantly need to practise their social skills. So it will be hard work - but you will succeed!

All the best,

Chris