The elusive Mr Right

Is my advanced career a deterrent to marriage?

Hi Chris,

I’m an upwardly mobile young woman in her late thirties, very well educated, good at my job, and work really hard at it. But I’m also quite lonely. The problem is that I’m not good at chatting up men, though I would love to get married and start a family. But I don’t know where to start. Where do I meet a good man? Is there a way to make myself more approachable or should I reconcile myself to a fabulous career and nothing else?

Ann, Nanyuki

Hi Ann,

First of all, you’re in good company. Many well-educated career women are lonely. Because educated career women tend to put off marriage until their mid-thirties and beyond. Nothing wrong with that, of course. It makes good sense to enjoy your career while you’re young and to start a family later. But don’t give up on relationships. Because no career, however wonderful, creates anything like the happiness of a good marriage.

But all that time concentrating on your career means you’ve probably forgotten how to date! And anyway, the dating rules are a little different when you’re in your late thirties. There’s two reasons for that. First, all the good guys of your age are already married. The only ones who aren’t either have a screw loose - don’t marry them - or are shy and very hard to meet!

So you will need to concentrate on guys who are single again after a divorce or whatever.

Secondly, you need to get a move on! You can’t afford to get into a relationship that lasts several years only for it to fail. Do that twice and you’ve missed the chance of a family...

So, the trick is to check out every guy you meet - at work, through friends, through your social life and interests. But only for a few minutes. Just a brief chat - but with a purpose. Like is he available, has a good job, fun, is sober, shares your interests and values and so on. Aim to check out a hundred or so guys in a year - and that’s a lot easier than you think! Seriously, it’s only two a week! But go no further with anyone who doesn’t match your needs. And quickly dump anyone who doesn’t treat you right, is unfaithful, loses interest, whatever. Get the idea? Do that and the ones who’re left will be safe to marry! And you’ll have a lot of fun - and be happily married within a couple of years.

5 years later and he still won't propose...

Hi Chris,

I love my boyfriend. Some of the time. The rest of the time he is withdrawn and moody. He doesn’t do anything for our relationship. He’s simply passive. I don’t remember the last time we went out, or he did something sweet and romantic. Most of the time he’s a couch potato, unless that is he’s off drinking with his mates. Which is a lot. We’ve been together for five years, but he won’t propose. And yet he doesn’t want to break up. I have a full, interesting life, but he doesn’t want to engage in any of it. I’m 35 and looking to get married. He’s only 5 years older than me but he’s already acting like an old man. And a permanent bachelor. What’s going on here? I try not to nag but honestly I have lost patience. Help!

Mary, Nairobi

Hi!

So, you want to get married, and your guy doesn’t. It’s a strange thing, but there are quite a few men like that. Unable to understand that dating a woman for more than a year or so means getting married. They seem to think that the ‘single plus girlfriend’ stage of life can go on forever. Well obviously it can’t!

And on top of that, your guy’s boring you to death. Some guys get like that too, I’m afraid. They like having a girlfriend around - actually what they really want is a sexy housekeeper - but they can’t see that they have to keep up their end of the bargain. To be fun, romantic, interesting - and hardworking...

So I’m afraid there’s no hope for this guy. Because you got it right. He is becoming a permanent bachelor, and definitely won’t ever propose. And even if you did get him to marry you, would you really want a heavy drinking couch potato for a husband? No, of course not. Don’t imagine he’ll change after the wedding either...

So ditch Mr Perpetual Boyfriend and get out there looking for Mr Right. But this time, meet LOTS of guys and only really start dating the ones who see life the way you do. Who have the right values - and are looking for a wife! Don’t laugh, that’s important. Because you don’t want a re-run of the last five years.

You don’t have to ask to know whether a man wants to get married - in fact you can’t ask. But you’ll spot him straight away. Because he’s treating you right. And he’s obviously tired of singles bars and going out drinking with his mates.

And one last thing. Next time a guy’s making the grade, don’t wait more than a year before you start telling him you want a proposal. Or he’ll also go off the boil and start thinking like a permanent bachelor...