Of masturbation and why comrades ‘eat’ purchased ‘ladies’

I was floating in my mug of Senator keg, trying not to drown between the barmaids almost spilling out yellow-yellow papayas when a tipsy second year slouched from his stool, smiled at his mates, walked over, borrowed my dying cigarette then shot this very private question at a very public place.

Him: We hujipiga punyeto?’ I narrowed my eyes, pretended not to have understood the query, yet interested in why exactly he had to ask that question, I angled my neck towards him, ‘hujawai... he gestured spitting on his left palm, partly folded it, grasped an imaginary rod which he proceeded to vigorously rub through his palm, the gestured spittle acting like a lubricant..? Everyman does it bruh sindio? Si it’s true? Si you tell those guys.’ I handed him the dead ciggy. Turned. And gazed at the barmaid.

Harrison, a third year maths and comp science Fisi I know reasons out that water rationing, electric black outs, poor WIFI network, the nurses and doctors strikes, ‘hazimuogopeshi hata kidogo!’ That only a dry spell throws him in a wind of worry and utter depression. Now, in-case of a dry spell, which also hits bros wasting time in campus relationships, what do single guys like Harrison do? Do they lie in bed at night, scratch their balls and stare at the ceiling before bursting into an SDA toned... Kumbaiya my Lord Kumbaiya...hymn? Or they jump of the bed, pocket a tin of Vaseline, grab their laptops yank the door open and hurriedly tell the roomie, ‘Brayo, nakimbia WIFI kudownload notes za psychology nakam?’

Cut the chase, none of the fifteen guys I asked whether they do or used to do ‘nini’ behaved in a manner likely suggesting that male students in a university full of ladies would find a reason to do ‘nini’. However, I’m certain more than fifteen comrades I know, for as little as 300 shillings around Honolulu Club in the republic of Rongai and as much as 3,000 shillings in the CBD have purchased sexual services because purchasing is more manly, less self ‘abusive’ and tolerable when publicly mentioned than masturbating.