REAL TALK: Ladies, it is not a 'walk of shame' if you refuse to leave

You wake up in a tangle of legs at 11am and realise that you have a problem. The world outside saunters on. You can just about hear the sounds of sufurias being scrubbed, someone flirting with electricity as they attempt to connect their cooking apparatus, and the mandazi vendor yelling out his discounts across the hallway.

It is hard for the ladies, clearly.

Just outside the door, the moralists and parishioners are lining up with their pitchforks waiting to quote scripture and scoff at you for your ‘loose’ virtues. As fate would have it, one of the people curling their lip at you as you flee the scene of the crime will be someone from your class, and the news will spread through campus like a viral meme.

Meanwhile, the gentleman who just had his way with you is signing autographs and recounting the conquest with wild gestures to a rapt audience back in his hostel.

It’s not fair at all. This is why I have advice and solutions for ladies. You provide an important service, without which society would dissolve into anarchy. If you can, let the action come to you; invite him to your room.

There will be no walk of shame for him, only a cocky strut as he whistles all the way back to his place. If you must go over to his place, please know he has notified everyone within 500 metres.

Be ready for knowing looks as you get into the room, as well as that disgusted look from his roommate, who is now homeless.

When morning comes, simply roll over and go back to sleep. If he was raised well, he will arrange for breakfast. This is a crucial point in the plan. Immediately after breakfast, he will begin throwing suggestive looks at the door and saying things like ‘I thought you had that class today’. Don’t worry about that. Get back in bed and give him THE look — yes that one.

By the time he realises it is 4pm, your perfume will have permanently seeped into his clothes, and he will know that he has been officially married, as per the campus constitution. This is how our grandmothers got married; they went to visit once, twice, and the third time went with a bag on their head. So, be smart. Avoid the walk of shame. Simply refuse to leave.