If Jomo woke up, he'd whip Kuria senseless

Once in a while, an earth tremor rips through parts of the city of Nairobi. When that happens, the spiritually inclined shout hallelujah! and claim it is a sign of Armageddon – the end of times.

The know-it-alls blame standard gauge railway engineers blasting rocks to pave way for a saner and more urbane Lunatic Line. But the wise whisper that the tremors occur because of the increasing political diarrhoea. They say the verbal stink makes founding President Jomo Kenyatta to turn violently in his grave at Parliament Buildings, causing tremors.

The elders even swear that the sorts of things politicians have been saying of late would make Jomo, who once described himself as a warlike man, to rise up from the dead. The wazee claim much as Jomo had a rather unhealthy appetite for boiled goat meat, traditional dances and land, he was nonetheless a well-educated, articulate and sophisticated man – a nationalist.

For him to wake up and find Moses Kuria inciting citizens to violence on behalf of his people of Gatundu, who include his son, Uhuru, would be tragic.

"Jomo would grab Moses Kuria, shove him face down on the speaker's table and whack his little Bachelor of Commerce trained behind with a bakora. No doubt about it," one old man retorted.

Another added: "Jomo would be mad because it is him who, at the turn of independence, proclaimed: "Where there has been racial hatred, it must be ended. Where there has been tribal animosity, it will be finished... If we can create this sense of national direction and identity, we shall have gone a long way to solving our economic problems'."

What would infuriate Jomo most, an old Mukorino explained, is that during the presidency of his son Uhuru Kenyatta no less, the people of Gatundu elected a man without a sense of national direction and identity who walks around fanning tribal animosity.

"Kijana, do you know what Jomo said when Ugandan dictator Idi Amin made claim to Kenyan territory?" he asked. I mumbled that I had no clue.

"Jomo stood up and thundered: "Our obligation and commitment is to defend our independence and borders day and night. We are not interested in provoking anyone, but those who want to play about with Kenya must know that they will be dealt with ruthlessly.

"In fact, those who are "payukaring" (talking loosely) are only shelling words because if they were to act, they would be promoting the welfare of their citizens," the sage recalled.

They say one should not argue with the elderly, but I reminded them politely that no one is dealing ruthlessly with Kuria; that the National Cohesion and Integration Commission is toothless; that police are too busy sorting out chama issues through M-Pesa to appreciate that Kuria's utterances should constantly be watched by detectives.

I also complained about the irony of a man who constantly goads citizens to war having his person and home guarded by police and wondered how Kuria manages not to scream in terror when he looks at his face in the mirror.

But one elder waved his arms helplessly and quoted Deputy Minority Leader Jakoyo Midiwo, saying, "(They) elected villagers – you know, people from the provinces. They are educated, but you can see they lack finesse. Surely, an MP should be of a higher calibre."

I gasped, for he was veering dangerously close to the very same hate speech for which Kuria stands indicted in the public court.

But one old man rudely cut me short, explaining that when Jomo was heckled in Kisumu in 1969, he told Jaramogi thus: "If you were not my friend, I would have today crushed you like maize flour".

To his consternation, he added, when the same Jomo died, Jaramogi, who was under house arrest, travelled to State House and wept before the casket of his old friend and comrade.

"You see, the umbilical cord that ties the Kenyattas and the Odingas is deep and historical. When two bulls tussle in the boma over rights to the harem, the clucking of a hen itching to lay an egg is meaningless because it cannot sway the course of battle," he rasped. I have no clue what he was talking about.