I asked three people what they would tell the Kenya Film Classification Board boss Ezekiel Mutua over a cup of tea in his swanky office.
The first person I asked is a man I always assumed to be an adoring father of two innocent children, a doting husband and respectful son who loves football. Guess what he said? "Mutua is starting to become petty. He is getting on my nerves."
The second person I asked is a man I had always presumed to be a solid chap (he drives a pick-up). Yet this is what he said: "Mutua should get out of my face. Frankly, Kenya has more pressing things to worry about other than waste time making what people watch on television the subject of national debate. People can't be dying on the streets, shot by police, while we talk about regulating wedding shows," he snarled.
And the third, a young woman who watches her diet and has not, to the best of my knowledge, procured an abortion or posted nude pictures on social media, simply said: "He is such an attention seeker!"
I found their comments scornful and hurtful. When I reminded the young lady that it wasn't right to be mean and uncharitable on Mutua's birthday, which was yesterday, she retorted that she was surprised that Mutua was actually born because "he comes across as an anti-sex crusader, a man who finds the very notion of intercourse sinful and repugnant".
Her view was that Mutua is using his position to enforce his personal and religious values on the good people of Kenya, whom as you know, are a shamelessly sinful lot.
But why would one man elicit admiration and contempt in equal measure? How does a hard-working public servant who clearly means well get dismissed as a busybody and made the butt (sorry, Ezekiel, that slipped out) of online jokes by ungrateful and spiteful Kenyans?
According to http://biblehub.com/topical/e/ezekiel.htm, the biblical Prophet Ezekiel, whom I presume Mutua was named after, was distinguished by his "stern and inflexible energy of will and character and his devoted adherence to the rites and ceremonies of his national religion".
"The depth of his matter," the writer adds, "and the marvellous nature of his visions make him occasionally obscure."
Frankly, I have no clue what depth of matter has to do with obscure visions, but I like that quote because it probably explains where Mutua, who is born again, is coming from.
Those who are strong in the faith believe that sex is sacred and holy and should only be exercised within the confines of a marriage sanctified in church.
The Holy Book itself chronicles satanic episodes of sexual debauchery that would make the condom adverts on national television look like nursery school rhymes.
But despite good men like Mutua haranguing people to stick to the straight and narrow, matters of the flesh have always proved to be man's greatest weakness (if you discount gossip, stupidity and stupid politics).
For instance, the dishonourable and immoral conduct documented daily in the Press concerning men of cloth, who are shepherds of the flock and keepers of the very morals Mutua is dying to enforce, are enough to drive one crazy.
But the problem goes deeper. To say sexually suggestive content is not African is laughable. If Mutua ventured into a typical African circumcision ceremony, the ribald things he would hear would traumatise him for life.
Contrary to common view, traditional Africa never shied away from discussing sexual matters. Indeed, the conversations between grandparents and grandchildren were, to say the least, X-rated.
In many parts of Kenya, people still walk around naked. But their children are not as immoral as the urban kids with mobile phones hooked on the internet that Mutua wants to protect from watching adults kissing on television.
I could be wrong, but the hundreds of rural children indulging in teenage sex don't pick bad manners from raunchy posters or broadcast content.
My point? Immorality is a deep and complex problem that won't be sorted out by sniffing through wedding shows and beverage adverts. The immoral train pulled out of the station a long time ago and fixing it will take more than bans and the law. Bribery, local brews are illegal, right?
I think Mutua is a fine man, a honourable man, a hard-working and passionate man. If only his "stern and inflexible energy of will and character" could be put to a more meaningful cause, say dealing with traffic jams, resolving the IEBC impasse, or fighting corruption, famine, HIV, jiggers, illiteracy and fistula.
