Will New Year resolutions be kept?

Now that we have stepped deeper into 2015, a sense of normalcy has resumed in my hacienda after the recent marathon of festivities. As usual, it is time to assess the resolutions we have made for the New Year.

Last year, most of my resolutions went up in smoke within the first week of January, while others were revised to accommodate unforeseeable en circumstances.

Thou shall quit drinking kanywaji with immediate effect, I commanded myself. Thou must honor and respect thy boss in order for thy days in employment to be longer, went another resolution.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s plasma TV, his job, automobile or other material possessions.

Further, thou must stop driving thy car at speeds that are ideally suited to ambulances, even when thou art tired, hungry or late for work.

“Resolutions demand personal discipline, Baba Jim,” says my friend Odhiambo. “A new year will be no different if you stick to old habits.”

Happily, I honoured some of those resolutions. For instance, I dedicated my love to Mama Jimmy throughout 2014. I also procrastinated less, told fewer lies and spent more time with my family than on work and the Premier League.

However, I am yet to realise my long-held dream of financial independence, as I still rely on my boss and his monthly pay cheque for my family’s upkeep.

This year, my resolutions mean business. I have bid goodbye to the “ninaomba serikali” style of doing things and adopted the kusema na kutenda style. To achieve my 2015 vision, I will tighten the belt, exorcise words like “debt” from my vocabulary and cut costs at all costs.

I will expand my revenue base by joining a chama, starting a small business and perhaps investing in a few lotteries. Parties, outings and other forms of entertainment will no longer have a place in my balance sheet. As with other years, Mama Jimmy has recycled some of her resolutions from previous years.

Her game plan includes minimising household expenditure, doubling her monthly Chama contributions and losing a few pounds.

“Hii mwaka lazima nipate figure poa,” she has vowed.

To achieve this, she plans to consume more fruit, cut down on junk food, embrace a grueling exercise regimen and — hold your breath for this — abstain from chocolate.

She also plans to buy fewer handbags and reduce expenditure on salons.

Away from Mama Jimmy, I was pleased to learn that my heirs had also made grand plans for 2015.

“Daddy mimi nataka kuwa good girl hii mwaka,” Little Tiffany told me on New Year’s Day.

Her brother, Russell, wants to be the best pupil in his class this year, vowing he will “leave no book unopened.”

“Mimi nitashinda wasee wote class yetu!” he declared with steely determination, the words “nitapitia katikati yao” written all over his face.

Further, he will improve his English, expand his vocabulary and quit using sheng in his compositions.

Deep down, I am secretly praying he will not use Mwakenya to achieve these goals, as was alleged sometime last year. Similar academic plans were made by Jimmy, the High Priest of loud music.

This year, the lad has vowed to migrate from D+ to a more presentable grade, such as C.

To achieve this Herculean feat, he has vowed to spend fewer hours watching TV, spend less on social media, play fewer video games and read real books, and not just Facebook.

Given that Jimmy has been making resolutions that sound just about as credible as a campaign manifesto, I can only wait to see how he fares.

The only person who has not shared her road map for the year is our house help Maggy, aka Miss Mboch, aka the deejay who spins our plates and related disks in the kitchen.

Maggy lives one day at a time, saying she prefers to leave her future in the hands of the Lord.

So, will Jimmy move away from the D bracket this year? And will Mama Jimmy succeed in chiseling her figure to the proportions of a catwalk model?

What about Baba Jimmy?

Will I make more money, cut down on bills and make fewer trips to the local “House of Maji?” I wish I could predict these things, but I do not have a crystal ball.

Only time will tell.